July 2, 2015

Please enter your zip-code for local weather listings:

AAPL -5.23%

Big Shiny Apple Merkins (AAPL): $418.37 (-$23.07) (-5.23%) Shares continued their steady decline as Silicon Valley investors continued to respond negatively to the iPhone maker’s bizarre, cumbersome new name.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

In The News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Graphical Features