The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book

WASHINGTON—According to a report from the U.S. Department of Education released Thursday, watching a single episode of the British TV series Downton Abbey is the cultural and educational equivalent of reading an entire book. more »
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5 hours, 51 minutes ago

Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice
7 hours, 51 minutes ago

Infographic: Choosing Your Candidate
"Wooo! That's where I'm from!"

American Voices: Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama
9 hours, 21 minutes ago

Video: In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation
10 hours, 21 minutes ago

Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business
1 day, 5 hours ago

Landon Donovan Inks $2-Per-Goal Deal With Grandparents
1 day, 8 hours ago

Editorial Cartoon: Talking Trash
"Good luck. I remember how difficult raising my girlfriend was at 48."

American Voices: Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend
1 day, 9 hours ago

On TV: GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head

1 day, 10 hours ago

Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On
2 days, 10 hours ago

Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign
2 days, 9 hours ago

Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories
"He should be ineligible. He never took steroids."

Fan On The Street: On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame
3 days, 9 hours ago

Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride
3 days, 10 hours ago

Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012
3 days, 9 hours ago

Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend
4 days, 2 hours ago

Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job
4 days, 4 hours ago

Video: Cartoon Network Celebrates Brak History Month

4 days, 4 hours ago

Sunday Magazine: Tommy Lee Jones Tells Us Why He's Kept A Little Boy's Name For So Long
4 days, 7 hours ago

Video: Bill Belichick Rallies Team By Castrating Player In Locker Rooms
"That’s all right. I switched to blackstrap molasses in my coffee long ago. Which got me off coffee, too."

American Voices: Should Sugar Be Regulated?
4 days, 9 hours ago

Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene
4 days, 10 hours ago

Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans
5 days, 1 hour ago

1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day
5 days, 2 hours ago

Infographic: SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes
"No kidding. Now you understand why I dumped those damn pythons in the first place."

American Voices: Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals
5 days, 9 hours ago

'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine

5 days, 10 hours ago

Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures
6 days, 1 hour ago

Slideshow: Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide
6 days, 5 hours ago

Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet
6 days, 8 hours ago

Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail
"Even when Facebook has tons of cash, I bet it'll still ask me to ‘like’ Papa John's goddamn pizza everyday."

American Voices: Facebook To Launch IPO
6 days, 9 hours ago

Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave
6 days, 10 hours ago

Bloodthirsty Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate Cereal Consumption
6 days, 23 hours ago

Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’
1 week ago

Nashville Predators Promotion Allows First 500 Fans To Feed Players

Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—The NHL announced Tuesday it would study the possible safety and injury risks of playing hockey on Astro-Ice, an artificial rink-surfacing material used by many teams instead of expensive and difficult-to-maintain ice, the solid state of wa... more»
Choosing Your Candidate

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Infographic

During primary season, it can be tough to decide whom you wish to nominate for president of the United States. Here are some simple ways to decide which candidate is right for you: Don’t vote for anyone who can’t make free throws, b... more»
Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | American Voices

Nine whooping cranes that had been following an ultralight aircraft as it guided them on their migratory route stopped when they reached Alabama, 500 miles short of the intended destination. more»
In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Newsroom

In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us. more»
Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Radio News
Landon Donovan Inks $2-Per-Goal Deal With Grandparents

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Sports News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—At a press conference Monday, Everton and Los Angeles Galaxy forward Landon Donovan announced his signing of a $2-Per-Goal contract with his grandparents Frank and Dianne Donovan—a full 100 percent raise from his previous ag... more»
Talking Trash

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Editorial Cartoon
Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | American Voices

A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit. more»
GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election. more»
Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Radio News
Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign

02.05.12 | Photo Finish
Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.05.12 | News in Brief

LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "... more»
On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.05.12 | Fan On The Street
Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.04.12 | News in Photos
Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012

02.04.12 | Sports News in Brief

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach. more»
Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.04.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr... more»
Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sports News in Brief

TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight. more»
Cartoon Network Celebrates Brak History Month

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | Onion Review

The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress. more»
Tommy Lee Jones Tells Us Why He's Kept A Little Boy's Name For So Long

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sunday Magazine
Bill Belichick Rallies Team By Castrating Player In Locker Rooms

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | OSN GOOMF

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football. more»
Should Sugar Be Regulated?

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | American Voices

In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco. more»
Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sports News

DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu... more»
Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | Radio News
1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website BleacherReport.com entered Lucas Oil Stadium to acquire material for their trademark style of re... more»
SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | Infographic

Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and the... more»
Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | American Voices

A study in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences links a drastic decline in raccoons and other mammals in the Florida everglades to the introduction of Burmese pythons. more»
'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | News

NEW YORK—Shocked and saddened witnesses at the Huffington Post's news-aggregation facility have confirmed that employee Henry Evers, 25, died Wednesday ... more»
Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | Radio News
Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | Slideshow

The Super Bowl is almost here, and no fan can afford to be without the Onion Sports guide to the game's most crucial personnel. more»
Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Over the past three years, as the sluggish economy has forced many Americans to tighten their belts, President Obama has reportedly enjoyed a lavish personal lifestyle, residing with his family in a 132-room house staffed by a 24-hour se... more»
Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—A day after losing the Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told reporters his biggest regret in the Sunshine State was "not getting out there and doing more Jew stuff." "I should have worn... more»
Facebook To Launch IPO

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | American Voices

Social networking site Facebook is expected to go public this week and will likely become the largest tech IPO in history. more»
Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News in Brief

MIAMI BEACH, FL—Sparing no expense to celebrate his 14-point win over Newt Gingrich in last night's Florida primary, Mitt Romney hosted a lavish all-night rave at Miami's Club Amnesia Tuesday, packing the popular hot spot with a crowd of more than 2... more»
Bloodthirsty Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate Cereal Consumption

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | Radio News
Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

TAMPA, FL—Following a decisive win in tonight's Florida primary, presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a moment during his victory address to reflect on the current crop of Republicans vying for the party's nomination, telling the gathered crowd h... more»
Nashville Predators Promotion Allows First 500 Fans To Feed Players

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Sports News in Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—The first 500 visitors to see the Nashville Predators play hockey in their custom-built reinforced glass enclosure at Bridgestone Arena Saturday will actually be allowed to feed the team, Predators officials announced today. more»
Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

MIAMI—At a hastily assembled press conference Tuesday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney reached out to the nation's Hispanics, asking if they would please return the watch he had left on his dresser earlier. more»
Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Newsroom

The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay." more»
Off The Top Of My Head

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Commentary

Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! more»
Chevy To Sticker Cars' Environmental Impact

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | American Voices

Beginning with its 2012 subcompact Sonic, Chevrolet will begin providing information on the lifetime environmental impact of its cars. more»
Area Man Thinks It's Nice They Didn't Put The Prettiest Girl Scouts On The Cookie Box

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

STAMFORD, CT—Local CPA Adam Hober told reporters Wednesday he was pleased to see the Girl Scouts of America had chosen not to feature the most conventionally attractive girls on boxes of their trademark cookies. more»
Area Man Forces Himself To Drink Free Refill

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Radio News
Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | Sports News in Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever. more»
FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | News

SILVER SPRING, MD—Officials at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration called an emergency press conference Monday to urge all Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato. The half-pound russet potato— discovered last night in a Marylan... more»
Commie Cones

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | Editorial Cartoon

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In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now

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