Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Doctor Makes Half-Hearted Alternative Suggestions Before Handing Over Drugs

ARLINGTON, VA—Rapidly running through a list of non-pharmaceutical options that might resolve his patient’s anxiety issues, local physician Alan Caplan offered a series of half-hearted alternatives Friday before handing out drugs.

Breaking: Tour De France On Hold As Cyclists Ride Over To Creek To Check Out Bugs

The legendary bicycle race is on hold after excited riders discovered a secret path through a forest that had tons of cool jumps and ended down by a nasty old creek.

Report: Nation’s Ditches Overflowing With Children Of Worried Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying that in most places they are piled up 5 or 6 feet high, a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center revealed that every one of the country’s ditches is currently overflowing with the children of worried parents.

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Creationist Museum Acquires 5,000-Year-Old T. Rex Skeleton

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Informal Tone Of Cover Letter Sets Job Applicant Apart From Seriously Considered Candidates

MILPITAS, CA—Saying his casual writing style made him “stand out immediately,” sources at Redding Media reported Monday that the informal tone of Michael Yanover’s job application had set him apart from the candidates under serious consideration.

The Pros And Cons Of Flying The Confederate Flag

A South Carolina bill to remove the Confederate flag from its position in front of the state house is gaining momentum, with the House of Representatives currently reviewing the bill and preparing to vote. Here are the pros and cons of flying the Confederate flag

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Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.
Local Dumbfuck On Jumbotron Waits Until Last Damn Second To Wave

HOUSTON—Frustrating all those in attendance at Thursday night’s game between the Oakland Athletics and the Houston Astros, a local dumbfuck shown on the stadium’s Jumbotron decided to wait until the last goddamn second before waving to t...
The Pros And Cons Of Flying The Confederate Flag

A South Carolina bill to remove the Confederate flag from its position in front of the state house is gaining momentum, with the House of Representatives currently reviewing the bill and preparing to vote. Here are the pros and cons of flying the Confederate flag
Creationist Museum Acquires 5,000-Year-Old T. Rex Skeleton

TULSA, OK—In a major coup for the growing field of creation science, the perfectly preserved remains of a 5,000-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex were delivered Monday to Tulsa's Creationist Museum of Natural History.
Breaking: Tour De France On Hold As Cyclists Ride Over To Creek To Check Out Bugs

The legendary bicycle race is on hold after excited riders discovered a secret path through a forest that had tons of cool jumps and ended down by a nasty old creek.

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Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.
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Doctor Makes Half-Hearted Alternative Suggestions Before Handing Over Drugs

ARLINGTON, VA—Rapidly running through a list of non-pharmaceutical options that might resolve his patient’s anxiety issues, local physician Alan Caplan offered a series of half-hearted alternatives Friday before handing out drugs.
Study: Mammograms Less Effective Than Previously Thought
Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

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