SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge

SAN DIEGO—Inviting guests to “bring a big appetite” with them the next time they visit, SeaWorld officials announced Tuesday that for a limited time the marine theme park’s café will be offering a 5-Pound Orca Burger Challenge.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Dating Profile Flatly States Man Looking For Someone He Can Control

PHOENIX—Providing a brief summary of who he is and what he considers most important for a successful relationship, area man Todd Waterson’s OkCupid profile flatly states he is looking for someone he can control, sources confirmed this week.

GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed

WASHINGTON—In an effort to reassure citizens ahead of a planned effort to overhaul the U.S. healthcare system, Republican congressional leaders promised Monday that Americans would still be able to keep their current medical conditions if the Affordable Care Act is repealed.

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College Senior Holding Out Hope That Internship Will Lead To Class-Action Lawsuit

NEW YORK—Aiming to transition seamlessly from her current position, college senior Molly Black is holding out hope that her current internship with BrownLink Media will lead to a class-action lawsuit, sources confirmed Monday.

Ryan Gosling Sneaks Past Paparazzi In Full-Body Red Carpet Camouflage

Man Bragging About How Infrequently He Receives Dental Care

TACOMA, WA—Treating the amount of time that had passed since his last appointment as a source of great personal pride, local man Kyle Telford, 25, reportedly bragged to several friends Friday about how infrequently he receives dental care.

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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.
Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other

AKRON, OH—According to witnesses, a tight-knit group of five female friends spent a wild night on the town Saturday, overindulging in emotionally supportive behavior and generally validating the living shit out of each other. Confirming the women ge...
GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed

WASHINGTON—In an effort to reassure citizens ahead of a planned effort to overhaul the U.S. healthcare system, Republican congressional leaders promised Monday that Americans would still be able to keep their current medical conditions if the Affordable Care Act is repealed.

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Tom Hiddleston Apologizes For Golden Globes Speech
SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge

SAN DIEGO—Inviting guests to “bring a big appetite” with them the next time they visit, SeaWorld officials announced Tuesday that for a limited time the marine theme park’s café will be offering a 5-Pound Orca Burger Challenge.
Not So Foxy
Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

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Paleontologists Say Recently Unearthed Hubcap May Belong To Long Lost Truckasaurus

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Tom Hiddleston Apologizes For Golden Globes Speech

David Blaine Accidentally Shoots Self During Trick

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Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.

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SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge

Mom In Nightgown Mode

Dating Profile Flatly States Man Looking For Someone He Can Control

GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed

In The News

College Senior Holding Out Hope That Internship Will Lead To Class-Action Lawsuit

Ryan Gosling Sneaks Past Paparazzi In Full-Body Red Carpet Camouflage

Man Bragging About How Infrequently He Receives Dental Care

Special Coverage

Graphical Features

Editorial Cartoon

Not So Foxy

Slideshow

The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 9, 2017

News in Photos

Jeff Bridges Seated Directly Behind Support Column At Golden Globes

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The Onion’s Best Photojournalism Of 2016

Court Rules Meryl Streep Unable To Be Tried By Jury As She Has No Peers

Mom In Nightgown Mode

Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other

GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed

Tom Hiddleston Apologizes For Golden Globes Speech

SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge

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Treat Yourself Right

How Confirmation Hearings Work

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David Blaine Accidentally Shoots Self During Trick

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Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

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Brute Of My Loins

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