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Planters (PLT): $31.21 (-$2.17) (-6.50%) The nut purveyor’s shares took a hit today after investors learned that Mr. Peanut’s condition had deteriorated, leaving him permanently confined to a wheelchair.
RENO, NV—Saying any suggestion of criminal activity was incompatible with the school’s values, the University of Nevada announced Tuesday that it will rename the Vito Corleone School of Business in the wake of accusations against the benefactor, the late Michael Corleone.
BROOKLYN, NY—Six months after going out of business as Sherelle’s Salon, a closed storefront in the rapidly gentrifying neighborhood of Crown Heights was on the verge of emerging from its chrysalis as a beautiful gastropub, sources confirmed Tuesday.
THE HEAVENS—Grumbling aloud as He looked in disbelief at the quote He received from a contractor, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly became pissed Monday after learning how much it would cost to replace the earth’s core.
WASHINGTON—Saying his administration was fully prepared in the event Congress does not pass a new budget by the end of the week, President Trump promised Monday that all essential Mar-a-Lago staff will continue to be funded during a government shutdown.
WASHINGTON—Saying that he was really worried about her and only wanted to help, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly had a long heart-to-heart conversation Friday with a staffer who came to work with coffee on her breath.