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8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports

 09.02.10

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

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Inside The Onion

Politics

  • Pentagon Ripped Off By Shady Weapons Dealer
    33 minutes ago

    ARLINGTON, VA—Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted losing $192 million in defense funds Tuesday when he unwittingly purchased a large number of bogus BGM-109 Tomahawk missiles from a disreputable arms dealer known only as "Steve." ...…more»

Infographic »
  • Proposition 8 Overturned
    12 minutes ago

    Last week, a federal judge ruled that California's same-sex marriage ban was unconstitutional, leaving many proponents of Proposition 8 scrambling for new ways to stop gay marriage. Here are some of their strategies:…more»

Local

News »
National News Highlights »
  • CHARLESTON, SC—Unable to find her other beige heel, Darcy Simone decided it was a sign she should stay home and sleep for 18 hours.

World

Our Dumb World »

Entertainment

  • Plot Of 'Midnight Run' Described At Length To Therapist
    49 minutes ago

    DULUTH, GA—Duluth resident Paul Bennett's aim to tackle unresolved emotional issues during a $110-per-hour session with his therapist Tuesday somehow digressed into an earnest recapping of the plot of the action-comedy film Midnight Run, sour...…more»

  • Horoscopes »

    Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

    Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.

TV Listings »
  • Gay, Straight, Not Attracted To You, Just Got Out Of Something, Too Into His Job, Weird About Your Having Kids, Shy, Doesn't See Anything Serious Developing, Has Mother Issues, Or Taken?

    LIFETIME

    5 p.m. EDT / 4 p.m. CST

Science & Technology

Statshot »

Opinion

Commentary »
Corrections »
  • Though we had planned to run a multipart series on the treatment of 12-year-old cancer patient Billy Tandem, the fact is, the kid is so goddamn boring we're just going to wrap it up early and say the cancer went away on its own. The Onion apologizes for having wasted your time.

Economy

Stockwatch »
  • -

    WMT

    Wal-Mart Stores Inc.

    $2.18 $49.10 (down 4.3%)

    Wal-Mart shares have been plummeting amidst recent reports that Wal-Mart greeters have inexplicably been saying "goodbye" to entering customers, who, confused, turn and walk out without purchasing anything.