February 7, 2016

Tropical storm on the horizon: still deciding between Faith, Fanny or Farrah

JACK +4.13%

Jack in the Box (JACK): $36.02 (+$1.43) (+4.13%) Investors responded positively to the unveiling of Jack’s new head, which is 10 times larger and features terrifyingly realistic ears.

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Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

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