Sanders Campaign Headquarters Smashed Up By Gang Of Pinkerton Union Busters

BURLINGTON, VT―Wielding billy clubs as they kicked down the door and began smashing everything in sight, a team of union-busting officers from Pinkerton’s National Detective Agency reportedly tore apart the headquarters of Vermont senator Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign Wednesday.

Audubon Society Reveal They’ve Only Seen, Like, 3 Birds

NEW YORK—During a press conference Wednesday announcing a series of new fundraising initiatives, officials at the National Audubon Society admitted they’ve only seen, like, three birds during the organization’s 111-year history.

Smiling Nation Takes Moment To Enjoy Thought Of What RNC Headquarters Like Right Now

WASHINGTON—Smiling as they imagined dozens of flustered, shouting GOP operatives frantically strategizing ways to get a hold on their political party, citizens nationwide took a brief moment Wednesday to stop and really savor the thought of what the Republican National Committee headquarters must look like right now, sources confirmed.

Married Couple Longs For Days When They Only Quietly Resented One Another

FARRAGUT, TN—Struggling to recall the last time they stifled even a small grievance they harbored toward the other, local married couple Angela and David Lochrie admitted to reporters Thursday they often long for the bygone days when they were just quietly resentful of one another.

In The News

Obama Transformed Into 20-Foot-Tall Monster President After Being Doused With Job-Growth Chemical

WASHINGTON—Still overcome with shock and terror as they described the horrifying scene that had unfolded before them, numerous eyewitnesses confirmed Thursday that, after being accidentally exposed to an experimental job-growth chemical, Barack Obama has grotesquely mutated into a 20-foot-tall monster president.

Bernie Sanders’ Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

The Onion separates fact from fiction in voters’ beliefs about Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders

Hillary Clinton’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

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Onion Explains: The Terrifying Growth Of ISIS

What motivates the brutal terrorist group to commit its atrocities and how does it use technology to spread fear worldwide? The Onion explains the horrifying spread of ISIS.

Scientists Find Strong Link Between Male Virility, Wearing Mötley Crüe Denim Jacket

A new study from Harvard University found that men who wear Mötley Crüe denim jackets on a regular basis showed staggering levels of testosterone and sexual prowess.
Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation

How close has the nuclear-armed world come to a descending into outright global catastrophe? The Onion explains nuclear proliferation.
Onion Explains: The Totalitarian State Of North Korea

How is the secretive totalitarian government of the Hermit Kingdom operated? The Onion explains North Korea.
The Onion Reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ in this week’s Film Standard.
Onion Explains: International Drug Trade

How do dangerous narcotics cartels smuggle their goods into the U.S. and what is the human cost of their operations? The Onion explains the drug trade.

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Morton Unveils Individually Wrapped Salt Grains

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Ben Carson’s Message Undercut By Eyes Drifting In Different Directions

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Editorial Cartoon: ‘Jeb Tide’

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E-Cigarettes Banned From Commercial Flights
Zoo Hosts Contest To Name Baby Of Pregnant Gift Shop Worker

SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that entries would be accepted from the public until the April 4 due date, officials from the Sacramento Zoo launched a contest this week to name the baby of the zoo’s pregnant gift shop cashier, Ashley Munson.
Morton Unveils Individually Wrapped Salt Grains
Report: U.S. Consumers Spend $900 Billion Each Year After Saying ‘Gimme One Of Those, Too’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a report published this week in the Quarterly Journal Of Economics, American consumers spend nearly a trillion dollars each year after uttering the phrase “Gimme one of those, too.”
Obamas To Speak At SXSW

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E-Cigarettes Banned From Commercial Flights
Zoo Hosts Contest To Name Baby Of Pregnant Gift Shop Worker

SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that entries would be accepted from the public until the April 4 due date, officials from the Sacramento Zoo launched a contest this week to name the baby of the zoo’s pregnant gift shop cashier, Ashley Munson.
Morton Unveils Individually Wrapped Salt Grains
Report: U.S. Consumers Spend $900 Billion Each Year After Saying ‘Gimme One Of Those, Too’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a report published this week in the Quarterly Journal Of Economics, American consumers spend nearly a trillion dollars each year after uttering the phrase “Gimme one of those, too.”
Obamas To Speak At SXSW

Corrections

Today's Date: Yesterday’s front page listed the date as June 19, 2013, which can’t be right. No, of course not, unless…unless the time machine took us farther back than we thought!

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E-Cigarettes Banned From Commercial Flights

Obamas To Speak At SXSW

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I’m Your Classic Case Of Always The Bridesmaid, Never The Little Ring Bearer Boy

By Natalie Ballard

Sweetie, As You Get Older, Your Body Becomes More Shameful

By Maureen Campos

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