February 10, 2016

Could do with a little less Tatooine, a little more Hoth. Right, ladies?

HRST +12.7%

Hearst Corporation (HRST): $17.13 (+$4.18) (+12.7%) Stock prices for the publisher of the popular women's magazines Cosmopolitan and Elle rose sharply today on word the company had acquired cutting-edge nano-body-scanning technology that will now allow editors to isolate and map men's myriad erogenous zones on a subatomic level.

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“Tu Stultus Es”

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

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