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January 13, 2016
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Wind-like breezes

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CLX -2.10%

The Clorox Company (CLX): $84.88 (-$1.82) (-2.10%) Share prices dropped today after the market just wanted a damn floor mop—you know, a regular damn mop you use with a bucket, not this contraption that you have to put pads on and get special cleaner for, which doesn’t even look like it works.

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Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

How To Arrange A Funeral

Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations

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