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Poll: GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy

The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress. more »
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8 hours, 44 minutes ago

Video: Cocky Giants' D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady
"That’s all right. I switched to blackstrap molasses in my coffee long ago. Which got me off coffee, too."

American Voices: Should Sugar Be Regulated?
10 hours, 44 minutes ago

Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene
11 hours, 29 minutes ago

Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans
1 day, 2 hours ago

1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day
1 day, 3 hours ago

Infographic: SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes
"No kidding. Now you understand why I dumped those damn pythons in the first place."

American Voices: Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals
1 day, 10 hours ago

'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine
1 day, 11 hours ago

Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

2 days, 2 hours ago

Slideshow: Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide
2 days, 6 hours ago

Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet
2 days, 9 hours ago

Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail
"Even when Facebook has tons of cash, I bet it'll still ask me to ‘like’ Papa John's goddamn pizza everyday."

American Voices: Facebook To Launch IPO
2 days, 10 hours ago

Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave
2 days, 11 hours ago

Bloodthirsty Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate Cereal Consumption
3 days ago

Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’
3 days, 2 hours ago

Nashville Predators Promotion Allows First 500 Fans To Feed Players
3 days, 3 hours ago

Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser

3 days, 6 hours ago

Video: Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized
by Jean Teasdale

Off The Top Of My Head
"Say goodbye, Ferrari. Nobody's going to want your cars now."

American Voices: Chevy To Sticker Cars' Environmental Impact
3 days, 10 hours ago

Area Man Thinks It's Nice They Didn't Put The Prettiest Girl Scouts On The Cookie Box
3 days, 11 hours ago

Area Man Forces Himself To Drink Free Refill
4 days, 3 hours ago

Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch
4 days, 6 hours ago

FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato
4 days, 8 hours ago

Editorial Cartoon: Commie Cones
"Those dogs must have had some really stupid names."

American Voices: Dogs Domesticated Earlier Than Thought

4 days, 10 hours ago

On TV: Panelists Discussing GOP Debate Clearly Didn't Watch It
4 days, 10 hours ago

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures
4 days, 11 hours ago

Area Child Baffled By Stationary, Nonviolent Images
5 days, 11 hours ago

Super Bowl XLVI
5 days, 11 hours ago

Sportsgraphic: College Football Signing Day
5 days, 11 hours ago

Eli Manning Asks Peyton If He Can Crash At His Place
"Seeing some fat twentysomething get a $214 million job should really help that city's unemployed feel better about themselves."

Fan On The Street: On The Tigers Signing Prince Fielder
6 days, 10 hours ago

Pathetic Harbaugh Family Unable To Get Even One Son To Coach In Super Bowl
6 days, 11 hours ago

Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create

Cocky Giants' D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | OSN GOOMF

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football. more»
Should Sugar Be Regulated?

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | American Voices

In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco. more»
Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sports News

DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu... more»
Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | Radio News
1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website BleacherReport.com entered Lucas Oil Stadium to acquire material for their trademark style of re... more»
SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | Infographic

Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and the... more»
Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | American Voices

A study in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences links a drastic decline in raccoons and other mammals in the Florida everglades to the introduction of Burmese pythons. more»
'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | News

NEW YORK—Shocked and saddened witnesses at the Huffington Post's news-aggregation facility have confirmed that employee Henry Evers, 25, died Wednesday ... more»
Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | Radio News
Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | Slideshow

The Super Bowl is almost here, and no fan can afford to be without the Onion Sports guide to the game's most crucial personnel. more»
Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Over the past three years, as the sluggish economy has forced many Americans to tighten their belts, President Obama has reportedly enjoyed a lavish personal lifestyle, residing with his family in a 132-room house staffed by a 24-hour se... more»
Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—A day after losing the Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told reporters his biggest regret in the Sunshine State was "not getting out there and doing more Jew stuff." "I should have worn... more»
Facebook To Launch IPO

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | American Voices

Social networking site Facebook is expected to go public this week and will likely become the largest tech IPO in history. more»
Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News in Brief

MIAMI BEACH, FL—Sparing no expense to celebrate his 14-point win over Newt Gingrich in last night's Florida primary, Mitt Romney hosted a lavish all-night rave at Miami's Club Amnesia Tuesday, packing the popular hot spot with a crowd of more than 2... more»
Bloodthirsty Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate Cereal Consumption

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | Radio News
Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

TAMPA, FL—Following a decisive win in tonight's Florida primary, presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a moment during his victory address to reflect on the current crop of Republicans vying for the party's nomination, telling the gathered crowd h... more»
Nashville Predators Promotion Allows First 500 Fans To Feed Players

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Sports News in Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—The first 500 visitors to see the Nashville Predators play hockey in their custom-built reinforced glass enclosure at Bridgestone Arena Saturday will actually be allowed to feed the team, Predators officials announced today. more»
Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

MIAMI—At a hastily assembled press conference Tuesday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney reached out to the nation's Hispanics, asking if they would please return the watch he had left on his dresser earlier. more»
Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Newsroom

The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay." more»
Off The Top Of My Head

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Commentary

Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! more»
Chevy To Sticker Cars' Environmental Impact

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | American Voices

Beginning with its 2012 subcompact Sonic, Chevrolet will begin providing information on the lifetime environmental impact of its cars. more»
Area Man Thinks It's Nice They Didn't Put The Prettiest Girl Scouts On The Cookie Box

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

STAMFORD, CT—Local CPA Adam Hober told reporters Wednesday he was pleased to see the Girl Scouts of America had chosen not to feature the most conventionally attractive girls on boxes of their trademark cookies. more»
Area Man Forces Himself To Drink Free Refill

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Radio News
Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | Sports News in Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever. more»
FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | News

SILVER SPRING, MD—Officials at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration called an emergency press conference Monday to urge all Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato. The half-pound russet potato— discovered last night in a Marylan... more»
Commie Cones

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | Editorial Cartoon
Dogs Domesticated Earlier Than Thought

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | American Voices

The discovery of a jawbone in a Siberian cave may indicate the domestication of dogs took place 30,000 years ago, 16,000 years earlier than previously thought. more»
Panelists Discussing GOP Debate Clearly Didn't Watch It

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

First Responders attempt to bluff their way through a discussion of the most recent Republican debate. more»
The Week In Pictures

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.30.12 | Slideshow
Area Child Baffled By Stationary, Nonviolent Images

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | Radio News
Super Bowl XLVI

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.29.12 | Keys To The Matchup

It's Super Bowl time, and our analysts have methodically outlined what the Pats and Giants have to do so that fans don't feel vaguely disappointed by this uninspiring game. more»
College Football Signing Day

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.29.12 | Sportsgraphic

As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects. more»
Eli Manning Asks Peyton If He Can Crash At His Place

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.29.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Pointing out that Peyton has a big house in Indianapolis and that they never hang out together anymore, Eli Manning approached his brother Friday to ask if he could crash at his place when he's in town for the Super Bowl. more»
On The Tigers Signing Prince Fielder

01.29.12 | Fan On The Street
Pathetic Harbaugh Family Unable To Get Even One Son To Coach In Super Bowl

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.28.12 | Photo Finish
Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | News

CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has inflicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn't wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them ... more»
Australian Open Canceled As Tennis Balls Fall Off Bottom Of Earth Into The Sky

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.27.12 | Sports News in Brief

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Organizers of the Australian Open canceled the highly anticipated Grand Slam event Wednesday night after admitting they were unable to prevent tennis balls from falling off the underside of the planet and into the sky. more»
Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | American Voices

A bill introduced by Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey would prohibit the use of aborted fetuses in food products. more»
Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama ‘Dad’ In Cabinet Meeting

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Onion Review

A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. more»
What Are We Replacing?

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Statshot
Are Bugs Mad At Us?

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Sunday Magazine
Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | News in Brief

BOCA RATON, FL—Excited ninetysomethings across the country announced Wednesday they were gearing up to take full advantage of what promises to be the final year of their lives. more»
Bill's Friends From Work Calling Him 'William'

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Radio News
Nation’s Least-Appealing Puppies To Face Off In Puppy Bowl

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.26.12 | Sports News in Brief

SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the collection of puppies assembled for Puppy Bowl VIII a tired rehashing of the same old Jack Russells, pit mixes, collies, and labs, fans around the nations agreed this week that the 2012 contest would be one of the most ... more»
Internet Against SOPA, PIPA

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | Infographic

Last week, several websites, including Google and Wikipedia, raised awareness of the prohibitive measures included in the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA). Here are some of the legislation's controversial provisions: more»

Video

Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

Poll: GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy

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