ARNOLDS PARK, IA—Appearing at a campaign event in the early primary state, real estate mogul and presidential candidate Donald Trump told an assembled group of dairy farmers Monday that his cows were 500 times bigger than theirs.
CHICAGO—Completely embarrassing themselves in a pitiful display of collective ineptitude, a group of five female friends who gathered for happy hour Monday reportedly failed in their sole duty of providing a recommendation for a good gynecologist when asked for one by a new acquaintance who had recently moved to the area.
SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.
BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.
The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Jurassic World’ in this week’s Film Standard.
The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at ‘Goonies’ in this week’s Film Standard.
How many positive male role models do your children have? On Mothershould, Grace Manning-Devlin says that if they don’t have these seven, they could grow up severely stunted.
On Mothershould, Grace Manning-Devlin helps viewers build a legal case when their parenting tricks are used by parental plagiarists.
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron' in this week's Film Standard.