August 30, 2015

One, 400-gallon raindrop

AZB +1.7%

AriZona Beverage Company (AZB): $22.76 (+$0.39) (+1.7%) Reacting to increased competition from iced tea rivals Snapple, Nestea, and Nantucket Nectars, AriZona chairman Don Vultaggio pushed sales by locking himself in his office and chugging an entire case of 24-ounce bottles of green tea.

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Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

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