RIO DE JANEIRO—Gripping the brightly colored character neck and displaying him as an offering to ensure a successful Games, Olympics head priestess Esmeralda Caixeta sanctified the opening ceremony by slitting the throat of Rio mascot Vinicius from ear to ear, sources confirmed Friday.

Weary Nation Happy It Gets To Watch Socio-Political Failings Of Another Country For 2 Weeks

WASHINGTON—Ahead of the highly anticipated Summer Olympics in Rio, millions of weary and emotionally exhausted Americans expressed excitement Friday at getting the chance to watch the socio-political failings of another country for two weeks.

International Athletes To Watch

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Experts Advise Against Throwing Laptop Across Office Even Though It Will Feel Incredible

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the negative consequences in the long term outweigh any short-term satisfaction, experts from the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising individuals against picking up their laptop and throwing it as hard as they can across the office, even though doing so would feel absolutely incredible.

Paul Ryan: ‘The Comments Donald Trump Will Make Over The Next Few Months Are Regrettable’

WASHINGTON—Saying he will be shocked and saddened by the statements of his party’s presidential nominee, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan told reporters Thursday the comments Donald Trump will make over the next several months are “highly regrettable.”

A Timeline Of The Feminist Movement

Seeking equal representation of women in all facets of society, the feminist movement has found a prominent place in the national conversation and has evolved greatly from one decade to the next. The Onion looks at some of the movement’s critical milestones.

‘It’s Hard Being Away From You All,’ Says Donald Trump While Spreading Bird Feed Around Rooftop Pigeon Coop

Nation’s Overthinkers Convene To Determine What That’s Supposed To Mean

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Man Getting Futon All Dolled Up For Craigslist Photo Shoot

Olympics 2016

Olympics Head Priestess Slits Throat Of Official Rio Mascot To Sanctify Opening Ceremony

Weary Nation Happy It Gets To Watch Socio-Political Failings Of Another Country For 2 Weeks

International Athletes To Watch

In The News

Experts Advise Against Throwing Laptop Across Office Even Though It Will Feel Incredible

Paul Ryan: ‘The Comments Donald Trump Will Make Over The Next Few Months Are Regrettable’

A Timeline Of The Feminist Movement

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The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 1, 2016

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