PORTSMOUTH, NH—With Bernie Sanders effectively conceding the race for the Democratic presidential nomination just two weeks before his party’s national convention, the American populace expressed their collective astonishment Tuesday that it had taken so long for the primary election process to weed out a candidate with genuine principles.

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Following a closely contested primary election cycle that left him several hundred delegates shy of securing his party’s nomination, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders agreed to drop out of the race for president Tuesday in exchange for a 13-hour speaking slot at the Democratic National Convention, sources confirmed.

NEW YORK—Refusing to be denied victory by the 22-year-old intern blocking home plate, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton bowled over the opposing team’s catcher to score the winning run in her campaign staff’s softball game Sunday, sources confirmed.