July 24, 2016

More than enough snow to ski off roof

MO +1.5%

Altria Group Inc. (MO): $32.23 (+$0.47) (+1.5%) Shares of Philip Morris’ parent company rose following news that persuasive bad influence Tyler Woodrich transferred to a new middle school where the kids have enough disposable income to start buying cigarettes.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

Election 2016

More Election Coverage

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

In The News

Special Coverage

Graphical Features


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close