The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game

GOLDSBORO, NC—Anticipating the very likely need for rapid medical evacuation, a fleet of ambulances from several regional hospitals took up positions Saturday at the edge of Fairview Park, where a group of 41-year-old former college friends had gath... more »
Newswire

Onion Review

Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil

05.18.12

The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the week of May 14th, 2012. more»
Sports News in Brief

Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms

05.18.12

NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an investigation into whether ... more»
Sportsgraphic

Famous Flops In Sports

05.18.12

Faking outrage or egregious injury in order to draw a penalty, once the purview of soccer players, is becoming more and more common across all sports these days. more»
Sunday Magazine

That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now

05.18.12
News in Brief

Alien Still Hasn't Gotten Around To Listening To Whole Voyager Golden Record

05.18.12

47 U. MAJORIS STAR SYSTEM—Roughly 18 months after discovering the collection of common Earth sounds contained on the golden record placed aboard the Voyager probe NASA launched in 1977, extraterrestrial Richard Ellinger, 237, admitted Friday ... more»
American Voices

New DVR Can Skip Ads

05.18.12

“Can it skip shows too? I’m a busy woman.” more»
Sports News

Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice

05.18.12

MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic justice for his arrogant and presumptive team, sources close to the Heat confirmed Tuesday. An MRI per... more»
Radio News

Local Man Shot With Girly Pistol

05.18.12
Sports News in Brief

Bears Claim They'd Want Brandon Marshall On Their Side In Bar Fight With Woman

05.17.12

CHICAGO—Defending their newly acquired wideout Brandon Marshall, multiple members of the Chicago Bears organization came forward this week claiming they would want him on their side in a barroom brawl with a woman. more»
Weddings

Kristen Anderson and James Greene

05.17.12

Kristen Anderson and James Greene, both of Austin, TX, were married Friday at the city's newest wedding truck. more»