Mom Apologizing For Going Through Menopause
LUTSEN, MN—According to witnesses, local mother Deborah Miller, 49, apologized to her family profusely Monday for going through the natural biological process of menopause.
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Man Prowling At Airport Gate Ready To Pounce Like Jungle Cat At First Sign Of Boarding
SAN FRANCISCO—Slinking stealthily as he scanned the departure desk for any sudden movement, local man Aaron Smith reportedly prowled San Francisco International Airport’s gate 33 Friday like a jungle cat ready to pounce at the first sign of a boarding announcement.
Report Finds Average American Wastes 77 Years Of Their Life Not Listening To Steve Winwood’s ‘The Finer Things’
BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood.
‘The Time To Act Is Now,’ Says Yellowing Climate Change Report Sitting In University Archive
BERKELEY, CA—Warning society that it has reached a crucial tipping point from which it may never be able to recover, a brittle, yellowing report sitting in the archives of the University of California’s Bioscience & Natural Resources Library reportedly urged readers Friday that “the time to act against climate change is right now.”
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Watch MoreThe Onion Reviews ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice’
The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice’ in this week’s Film Standard.
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Brutal Anti-Cruz Attack Ad Just 30 Seconds Of Candidate’s Photo Displayed Without Any Text, Voiceover, Music
RALEIGH, NC—In what many political observers are calling a new low in an election season that has already seen its share of negative campaigning, a scathing anti–Ted Cruz attack ad airing this week reportedly shows nothing more than a still photograph of the Texas senator’s face for 30 seconds, unaccompanied by any text, voiceover, or music. -
Onion Explains: The Terrifying Growth Of ISIS
What motivates the brutal terrorist group to commit its atrocities and how does it use technology to spread fear worldwide? The Onion explains the horrifying spread of ISIS. -
Scientists Find Strong Link Between Male Virility, Wearing Mötley Crüe Denim Jacket
A new study from Harvard University found that men who wear Mötley Crüe denim jackets on a regular basis showed staggering levels of testosterone and sexual prowess. -
Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation
How close has the nuclear-armed world come to a descending into outright global catastrophe? The Onion explains nuclear proliferation. -
Onion Explains: The Totalitarian State Of North Korea
How is the secretive totalitarian government of the Hermit Kingdom operated? The Onion explains North Korea.
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I Was Skeptical At First, But It Turns Out Those 20 Years Of Solitary Confinement Were Exactly What I Needed
By Donald Plemmons, Prisoner
