July 2, 2015
-19°
-19°

10-day forecast: rain

Stocks
JLLO -11.84%

Jell-O (JLLO): $23.38 (-$3.14) (-11.84%) Political instability in key pudding-producing regions continues to weigh on stock prices, with the most recent reports confirming that separatist rebels had seized a butterscotch refinery and blown up several strategically important banana-cream pipelines.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

In The News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Graphical Features

Recommended