McCormick & Company (MKC): $64.98 (+$13.84) (+27.1%) Shares in the spice purveyor soared on word that the three sturdy galleons dispatched two years afore had been sighted off the coast of Cape Verde, returning from their dangerous voyage to the exotic Orient with their casks brimful of redolent cinnamon, cardamom, and mysteriously intoxicating curried powder.
CHICAGO—Assuaging concerns about the safety of the corrective eye treatment, a study published Monday in ‘The Journal Of The American Medical Association’ found that only 1 in 3 Lasik surgeries end in the laser boring through the eyes, incinerating the brain, and shooting through the skull on the other side.
J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.
WASHINGTON—Brainstorming the wondrous features and amenities as they came to him in a flash of inspiration, President Donald Trump on Wednesday accidentally recorded over the tape containing his meetings with fired FBI Director James Comey with an idea for a candy hotel.