CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth $2 million plus bonuses. more»
Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down
Sports »
Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million Ordeal
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Nation's Creepy Founding Uncles
PHILADELPHIA—"The United States would not be the place it is today without these pioneering creeps," said historian Leland Collier.
…more»
Infographic »
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Chelsea Clinton Getting Married
Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will be attended by Barack Obama, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Here's what to expect from the nuptials.…more»
Local
News in Brief »
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Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up
ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments.…more»
National News Highlights »
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BRISTOL, VA—Jake Anderson, 5, has met a lot of new uncles recently.
World
Our Dumb World »
Entertainment
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Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon
GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commis≠sioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety.…more»
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Horoscopes »
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too.
TV Listings »
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Perfect Pump
NBC
9 p.m. EST / 8 p.m. CST
This week contestants try to put exactly $10 worth of gas into a 2010 Chrysler Sebring.
Science & Technology
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New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion
PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions.…more»
Statshot »
…Opinion
Commentary »
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If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home
by Jeff Kunstler
Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channels at the touch of a button. Shouldn't watching the hottest films, with today's hottest stars, be just a click away, too?…more»
Letters To The Editor »
- Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI
Economy
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Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews
WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.…more»
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White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt
WASHINGTON—"For crimes of great arrogance and cheek, His Idiocy the White House Jester has been sentenced to a swift demise," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Let it be heard over every city and suburb of this land that the National Debt is no topic for frivolity, and the mailed hand of Obama shall smite all offenders."…more»
Stockwatch »
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DE
John Deere
$3.60 $63.75 (up 6%)
