August 29, 2015


AMZN +1.7%

Amazon (AMZN): $218.30 (+$3.57) (+1.7%) Good news for the company came when Dale Paulus, 67, bought a Kindle Fire, as he's one of those ardent guys who goes around saying how much he likes to hold an actual paper book.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed.

New on Onion Studios

In The News

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Guantanamo Bay Begins Construction On Senior Care Wing

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Saying the expansion would ensure the facility is adequately prepared for upcoming challenges, officials at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp announced Wednesday that they had broken ground on a new geriatric care wing.

Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

LOUISVILLE, KY—"The other week, I was this close to picketing in front of an abortion clinic," the mortified teenager said, his eyes welling up with tears. "I felt so ashamed, yet, at the same time, it was all strangely titillating."

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Graphical Features