May 29, 2015
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14°

Continued gray skies until you try the new antidepressant from the makers of Effexor.

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BAC +8.48%

Bank of America (BAC): $13.18 (+$1.03) (+8.48%) Investors cheered Bank of America’s latest decision to continue making obscene shitloads of money.

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The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

In The News

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

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