North Korea Successfully Harvests Wheat In Show Of Growing Strength

ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the effort a dramatic display of the Asian country’s powerful capabilities, officials from the RAND Corporation confirmed Wednesday that North Korea has successfully harvested wheat.

Nation Shudders To Think How Mad NRA Would Be If Obama Actually Proposed Meaningful Gun Control

WASHINGTON—Citing the group’s outrage over recent executive orders aimed at reducing gun violence, Americans across the nation collectively shuddered Wednesday at the mere thought of the National Rifle Association’s furious reaction were President Obama to actually propose concrete and meaningful gun control legislation.

World Health Organization Adds Gunfire, Explosions To List Of Natural Causes Of Death

GENEVA—Explaining that fatalities attributable to such afflictions had become prevalent among a wide variety of populations across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Wednesday that the group had added gunfire and explosions to its official list of natural causes of death.

How Firearm Background Checks Work

With gun violence in the United States rising to unprecedented levels, many lawmakers have pushed to expand federal background checks for the purchase of firearms. Here’s how background checks are currently conducted

In The News

Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Candidate Most Americans Want To Have 8-Ounce Glass Of Tap Water With

WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center poll released Tuesday, the majority of registered voters in the U.S. chose Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton as the candidate they would most like to have an 8-ounce glass of tap water with.

Vatican Tour Group Catches Glimpse Of Pale, Emaciated Joseph Ratzinger Scuttling Into Dark Catacombs

VATICAN CITY—Following a guided tour of the excavated ruins beneath St. Peter’s Basilica on Tuesday, several stunned members of a Vatican sightseeing group told reporters they had glimpsed a gaunt and haggard Joseph Ratzinger as he scuttled past them in the dark corridors of the subterranean burial site.

What You Need To Know About The Oregon Militia Standoff

During a rally in Oregon for two ranchers convicted of arson, a group of anti-government protesters initiated the armed occupation of a federal building at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. Here is everything you need to know about the militia standoff:

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Onion Explains: The Totalitarian State Of North Korea

How is the secretive totalitarian government of the Hermit Kingdom operated? The Onion explains North Korea.

The Onion Reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ in this week’s Film Standard.
Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation

How close has the nuclear-armed world come to a descending into outright global catastrophe? The Onion explains nuclear proliferation.
Onion Explains: International Drug Trade

How do dangerous narcotics cartels smuggle their goods into the U.S. and what is the human cost of their operations? The Onion explains the drug trade.
The Onion Reviews ‘Spectre’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Spectre’ in this week’s Film Standard.
Scientists Find Strong Link Between Male Virility, Wearing Mötley Crüe Denim Jacket

A new study from Harvard University found that men who wear Mötley Crüe denim jackets on a regular basis showed staggering levels of testosterone and sexual prowess.

Graphical Features

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Surely You Breast’

Slideshow

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

News in Photos

Slightly Overweight Middle-Aged Woman Really Carrying Rest Of Church Choir

Most Popular

See All

North Korea Successfully Harvests Wheat In Show Of Growing Strength

ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the effort a dramatic display of the Asian country’s powerful capabilities, officials from the RAND Corporation confirmed Wednesday that North Korea has successfully harvested wheat.
Nation Shudders To Think How Mad NRA Would Be If Obama Actually Proposed Meaningful Gun Control

WASHINGTON—Citing the group’s outrage over recent executive orders aimed at reducing gun violence, Americans across the nation collectively shuddered Wednesday at the mere thought of the National Rifle Association’s furious reaction were President Obama to actually propose concrete and meaningful gun control legislation.
Study: Presidents Die Sooner Than Opponents
Transportation Secretary Calls For $200 Billion In Funding To Repair Nation’s Rickety Wooden Bridges

WASHINGTON—Saying such infrastructure improvements were necessary to ensure citizens could continue to pass safely over the nation’s dangerous river rapids and precipitous chasms, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx called for $200 billion in funding Wednesday to repair the country’s rickety wooden bridges.
World Health Organization Adds Gunfire, Explosions To List Of Natural Causes Of Death

GENEVA—Explaining that fatalities attributable to such afflictions had become prevalent among a wide variety of populations across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Wednesday that the group had added gunfire and explosions to its official list of natural causes of death.

Popular Features

Most Recent

See All

North Korea Successfully Harvests Wheat In Show Of Growing Strength

ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the effort a dramatic display of the Asian country’s powerful capabilities, officials from the RAND Corporation confirmed Wednesday that North Korea has successfully harvested wheat.
Nation Shudders To Think How Mad NRA Would Be If Obama Actually Proposed Meaningful Gun Control

WASHINGTON—Citing the group’s outrage over recent executive orders aimed at reducing gun violence, Americans across the nation collectively shuddered Wednesday at the mere thought of the National Rifle Association’s furious reaction were President Obama to actually propose concrete and meaningful gun control legislation.
Study: Presidents Die Sooner Than Opponents
World Health Organization Adds Gunfire, Explosions To List Of Natural Causes Of Death

GENEVA—Explaining that fatalities attributable to such afflictions had become prevalent among a wide variety of populations across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Wednesday that the group had added gunfire and explosions to its official list of natural causes of death.
Transportation Secretary Calls For $200 Billion In Funding To Repair Nation’s Rickety Wooden Bridges

WASHINGTON—Saying such infrastructure improvements were necessary to ensure citizens could continue to pass safely over the nation’s dangerous river rapids and precipitous chasms, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx called for $200 billion in funding Wednesday to repair the country’s rickety wooden bridges.

TV Listings

Late Show With David Letterman: CBS 11:35 p.m. EDT/10:35 CDT p.m. Capitalizing on recent ratings success, Dave disarmingly discloses that he has been trafficking heroin through the Ed Sullivan Theater.

American Voices

See All

Study: Presidents Die Sooner Than Opponents

Scientists To ‘Resurrect’ Giant Tortoise

Commentary

See All

So Help Me God, I’m Going To Eat One Of Those Multicolored Detergent Pods

By Dylan DelMonico

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter