8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live
'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports
NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
more»Sports »
Department Of Just Saying: 'Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game'
WASHINGTON—In a report written in collaboration with the Bureau of Just Throwing It Out There, the Department of Just Saying noted Wednesday that it had been a good long while since an athlete had died on the field during a major sporting event. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Pentagon Ripped Off By Shady Weapons Dealer
ARLINGTON, VA—Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted losing $192 million in defense funds Tuesday when he unwittingly purchased a large number of bogus BGM-109 Tomahawk missiles from a disreputable arms dealer known only as "Steve." ...…more»
Infographic »
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Proposition 8 Overturned
Last week, a federal judge ruled that California's same-sex marriage ban was unconstitutional, leaving many proponents of Proposition 8 scrambling for new ways to stop gay marriage. Here are some of their strategies:…more»
Local
News »
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8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live
NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.…more»
National News Highlights »
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CHARLESTON, SC—Unable to find her other beige heel, Darcy Simone decided it was a sign she should stay home and sleep for 18 hours.
World
Our Dumb World »
Entertainment
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Plot Of 'Midnight Run' Described At Length To Therapist
DULUTH, GA—Duluth resident Paul Bennett's aim to tackle unresolved emotional issues during a $110-per-hour session with his therapist Tuesday somehow digressed into an earnest recapping of the plot of the action-comedy film Midnight Run, sour...…more»
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Horoscopes »
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.
TV Listings »
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Gay, Straight, Not Attracted To You, Just Got Out Of Something, Too Into His Job, Weird About Your Having Kids, Shy, Doesn't See Anything Serious Developing, Has Mother Issues, Or Taken?
LIFETIME
5 p.m. EDT / 4 p.m. CST
Science & Technology
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Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones
WASHINGTON—A new report published this week by the Department of Health and Human Services revealed that more than 10 million Americans are violently killed each year while attempting to break away from their regular everyday routines and try someth...…more»
Statshot »
…Opinion
Commentary »
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Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career
by Michael Warner
Hi, how do you do? I'm Michael. Pleased to meet you. What? We've met three times before? Really! Well, how embarrassing.…more»
Corrections »
- Though we had planned to run a multipart series on the treatment of 12-year-old cancer patient Billy Tandem, the fact is, the kid is so goddamn boring we're just going to wrap it up early and say the cancer went away on its own. The Onion apologizes for having wasted your time.
Economy
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Boeing Lays Off Only Guy Who Knows How To Keep Wings On Plane
CHICAGO—With the airline industry continuing to suffer under the ongoing recession, the Boeing Company was forced Monday to lay off Al Freedman, the only guy left at the corporation who knows how to keep wings from falling off planes.…more»
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Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews
WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.…more»
Stockwatch »
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WMT
Wal-Mart Stores Inc.
$2.18 $49.10 (down 4.3%)
