Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation

DURHAM, NC—Providing insight into the potential causes underlying the unhealthy behavior, a Duke University study released Wednesday has discovered a strong correlation between binge eating and feelings of stress, contentment, depression, joy, boredom, anger, and relaxation.

High School Bully Worried Victims Will Realize He Actually Retarded Faggot Himself

BYRON, IL—In a rare moment of candidness between verbally and physically abusing his peers, local bully Pete Pachego, 14, shared his concerns with reporters Wednesday that his victims might one day realize he was actually a retarded faggot himself.

Learned Sage Points Out That Powerball Not As Much After Taxes

BELLEVUE, WA—Imparting his profound enlightenment and worldly understanding onto all who would heed his words, local billing clerk and learned sage Cameron Wenzel reportedly pointed out Wednesday that the Powerball jackpot is not worth as much after taxes.

Obama Praises Own Strength, Resilience In Face Of Hardship During State Of The Union

WASHINGTON—Recounting in detail the numerous struggles and tribulations of the past seven years, an impassioned President Obama loftily praised his own strength and resilience in the face of adversity Tuesday evening during his final State of the Union address.

In The News

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

How To Arrange A Funeral

Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations

Paul Ryan Quietly Doing Seated Ab Exercises Throughout State Of The Union

WASHINGTON—Taking the opportunity to strengthen his core during the president’s hour-long remarks, House Speaker Paul Ryan is said to have quietly performed a series of ab exercises as he sat through the State of the Union address Tuesday, sources reported.

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Onion Explains: The Totalitarian State Of North Korea

How is the secretive totalitarian government of the Hermit Kingdom operated? The Onion explains North Korea.

The Onion Reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ in this week’s Film Standard.
Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation

How close has the nuclear-armed world come to a descending into outright global catastrophe? The Onion explains nuclear proliferation.
Onion Explains: International Drug Trade

How do dangerous narcotics cartels smuggle their goods into the U.S. and what is the human cost of their operations? The Onion explains the drug trade.
The Onion Reviews ‘Spectre’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Spectre’ in this week’s Film Standard.
Scientists Find Strong Link Between Male Virility, Wearing Mötley Crüe Denim Jacket

A new study from Harvard University found that men who wear Mötley Crüe denim jackets on a regular basis showed staggering levels of testosterone and sexual prowess.

Graphical Features

News in Photos

Glade Introduces New Spring Meadow Fire Extinguisher

News in Photos

Dan Coats Lifts Junior Senator Onto His Shoulders To Give Better View Of State Of The Union

Editorial Cartoon

Oregon Wildstrife Refuge

Most Popular

See All

Glade Introduces New Spring Meadow Fire Extinguisher
Powerball Climbs To $1.5 Billion
Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation

DURHAM, NC—Providing insight into the potential causes underlying the unhealthy behavior, a Duke University study released Wednesday has discovered a strong correlation between binge eating and feelings of stress, contentment, depression, joy, boredom, anger, and relaxation.
Learned Sage Points Out That Powerball Not As Much After Taxes

BELLEVUE, WA—Imparting his profound enlightenment and worldly understanding onto all who would heed his words, local billing clerk and learned sage Cameron Wenzel reportedly pointed out Wednesday that the Powerball jackpot is not worth as much after taxes.
Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores

Popular Features

Most Recent

See All

Glade Introduces New Spring Meadow Fire Extinguisher
Powerball Climbs To $1.5 Billion
Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation

DURHAM, NC—Providing insight into the potential causes underlying the unhealthy behavior, a Duke University study released Wednesday has discovered a strong correlation between binge eating and feelings of stress, contentment, depression, joy, boredom, anger, and relaxation.
Learned Sage Points Out That Powerball Not As Much After Taxes

BELLEVUE, WA—Imparting his profound enlightenment and worldly understanding onto all who would heed his words, local billing clerk and learned sage Cameron Wenzel reportedly pointed out Wednesday that the Powerball jackpot is not worth as much after taxes.
Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores