Altria Group Inc. (MO): $32.23 (+$0.47) (+1.5%) Shares of Philip Morris’ parent company rose following news that persuasive bad influence Tyler Woodrich transferred to a new middle school where the kids have enough disposable income to start buying cigarettes.
APPLETON, WI—Acting quickly to induce vomiting, members of Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff confirmed Thursday that they forced Tim Kaine to drink syrup of ipecac after the Democratic vice presidential nominee ate an entire sheet of “I’m With Her” stickers.
PHILADELPHIA—A report published Thursday by sociologists at the University of Pennsylvania has determined that 38 percent of all road trips end with the traveling group of companions burying one of their members in a shallow grave in the desert.
ROCKVILLE, MD—Staring attentively at the potential prey while carefully weighing its best course of action, local cat Jasper was reportedly locked in an intense internal debate Wednesday about whether or not to rip the head off a smaller creature it had just happened upon.
With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step
Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
WASHINGTON—Highlighting its strong showing at the first presidential debate Monday, a Gallup report released this morning revealed that hopeless resignation has received a substantial bump in the polls.
HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.