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    Report: America Still World Leader In Manufacturing Excuses

    NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Revealing that Americans still excel in assembling all types of justifications, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University confirmed that ...

    Report: None Of Good Cousins Coming To Thanksgiving This Year

    SCHENECTADY, NY—In a highly disappointing development expected to put a damper on the entire holiday weekend, sources within the Cunningham family confirmed Tuesday that ...

    Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Friend Between Meals

    CHICAGO—Struggling to piece together an itinerary for the upcoming weekend, 27-year-old Greg Randolph confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he has no idea what to ...

    Mild-Mannered Reporter Suddenly Transforms Into Incredible Unemployed Man

    KANSAS CITY, MO—Mere moments after stepping into his managing editor’s office as his unassuming alter ego, Pete Bates, a mild-mannered 36-year-old reporter for ...

    Modest ISIS Leader Credits Promotion Entirely To Drone Strikes

    MOSUL, IRAQ—Insisting he was just an ordinary jihadist that found himself in the right place at the right time, new ISIS commander Nureddin Farzat ...

    More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum

    HYATTSVILLE, MD—Noting a generational shift in the way couples choose to build their lives together, the National Center for Health Statistics confirmed this week ...

    Recent News

    Completely Uninhibited Party Guest Still Choosing To Talk About Work

    Jay Cutler: ‘I’ll Be The First Person To Admit We Need A New Punter’Young Child Still Developing Antibodies To Mountain DewMan Announces Plan To Take Out Anger On First Less Powerful Person He Sees

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    The Onion Reviews 'Interstellar'

    CNN Holds Morning Meeting To Decide What Viewers Should Panic About For Rest Of DayFamily Impressed By Extra Effort Father Putting In To Hide Drinking

    Commentary

    No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them

    By Amy Foster
    • Whenever I Feel Sad, I Just Go Down To The Wreck Of The Titanic
      By James Cameron
    • I Don’t Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men
      By Katherine Adams

    American Voices

    Nicki Minaj Apologizes For Nazi-Inspired Music Video

    Nicki Minaj Apologizes For Nazi-Inspired Music Video
    “The directors should know better than to create a widely shared and discussed video.”
    • Obamacare Architect: Law Passed Because Of ‘Stupidity Of The American Voter’
    • Pepsi Testing ‘Dewitos,’ Doritos-Flavored Mountain Dew
    • Facebook To Fight Ebola With News Feed Donation Drive

    Editorial Cartoon

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      Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

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      The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 10, 2014

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      Foster Home Gets New Shipment

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      Pet Adoption Tips

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      10 Best Places To Raise A Family

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      The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

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      Do You Believe Nurses Returning From West Africa Should Be Quarantined?

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      The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 3, 2014

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    ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter

    • Owner's Box: Andrew Luck Questionable After Finding Out About Death
    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre'
    • ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God
    • The Onion Reviews 'Gone Girl'

    In The News

    Ira Glass Exhausted From Doing Every Single Voice On ‘This American Life’

    • Life-Changing Epiphany Wears Off On Ride Home
    • Man Tinkering With Anecdote Set List Before Next Date
    • Street Harasser Haunted By Woman Who Got Away With Dignity Intact
    • Man’s Heart Stops As Speaker Asks Audience To Turn To Person Next To Them

    Onion Sports News

    Report: Friend’s Dad Knows Someone With Season Tickets

    • Jay Cutler: ‘I’ll Be The First Person To Admit We Need A New Punter’
    • NFL Week 10 Winners And Losers
    • NFL Issues Stern Warning Against Looking Directly At Raiders' Offense
    • Philadelphia-Area Sports Psychologist Already Clearing Schedule For Mark Sanchez

    Politics

    Presidential Castrato Brought Into Oval Office To Soothe Obama’s Nerves

    • Morbidly Curious Nation Wondering How Far Obama’s Appearance Will Deteriorate In 2 Years
    • Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate
    • Congressman To Attempt Living Off Military’s Budget For One Month
    • Elementary Schoolers Depressed After Getting Look At Voters Filing Out Of Gymnasium

    Local

    Young Child Still Developing Antibodies To Mountain Dew

    • Report: None Of Good Cousins Coming To Thanksgiving This Year
    • Man Announces Plan To Take Out Anger On First Less Powerful Person He Sees
    • Family Revels In Height Difference Between Mother And Tall Son
    • Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall

    Entertainment

    Navy Forms Elite New SEAL Team To Write Best-Selling Tell-All Books

    • The Onion Reviews 'Interstellar'
    • Ira Glass Exhausted From Doing Every Single Voice On ‘This American Life’
    • Farmers’ Almanac Predicting Short Season For Primetime Dramas
    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre'

    Business

    New Employee Has Never Known Decadent Pleasures Of Old Office

    • Laid-Back Company Allows Employees To Work From Home After 6 P.M.
    • Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour
    • Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats
    • Pueblo Indians Can’t Keep Pace With Area Mom’s Appetite For Earthenware

    News With Video

    Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

    Horoscope

    Aries

    Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 11, 2014

    ARIES: Sometimes the exact right thing falls right out of the sky and hits you between the eyes, which will be the case next week ...

    • Newswire: Philip K. Dick, guns, and yoga are all part of Amazon's next pilot season

    • Newswire: Discovery Channel discovers that people don't want to see a man eaten by a snake

    • Newswire: Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg got a reality series, obviously

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    • The Onion Reviews 'Interstellar'

    • Please Let Me Out: I've Told You Everything I Know About Fantasy Football

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre'

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