February 13, 2016

Stupid, stupid, stupid

BP +3.30%

BP (BP): $42.51 (+$1.36) (+3.30%) Attendees of the oil company’s annual shareholder meeting applauded after CEO Bob Dudley announced he doesn’t give two shits about the environment and proceeded to strangle a pelican on stage.

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

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