adBlockCheck
February 10, 2016
-16°
-16°

Could do with a little less Tatooine, a little more Hoth. Right, ladies?

Stocks
HRST +12.7%

Hearst Corporation (HRST): $17.13 (+$4.18) (+12.7%) Stock prices for the publisher of the popular women's magazines Cosmopolitan and Elle rose sharply today on word the company had acquired cutting-edge nano-body-scanning technology that will now allow editors to isolate and map men's myriad erogenous zones on a subatomic level.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

In The News

More videos on Onion Studios

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Graphical Features

Recommended

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close