adBlockCheck
September 30, 2016
28°
28°

Common cold

Stocks
MO +1.5%

Altria Group Inc. (MO): $32.23 (+$0.47) (+1.5%) Shares of Philip Morris’ parent company rose following news that persuasive bad influence Tyler Woodrich transferred to a new middle school where the kids have enough disposable income to start buying cigarettes.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

Election 2016

More Election Coverage

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

In The News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Special Coverage

Graphical Features

Recommended

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close