DENVER—In the first of what is expected to be a long series of gaffes with his new team, quarterback Brady Quinn bungled a statement to Broncos coaches, players, and fans Tuesday by mistakenly declaring that the Brody Qualls era had begun in Denver. more»
Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...
Sports »
Newest Bronco Brady Quinn: 'The Brody Qualls Era Has Begun'
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care
MIAMI—As part of a new program designed to encourage reading, President Barack Obama visited a kindergarten class Monday to read the...…more»
Infographic »
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Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census
Despite the fact that the 2010 Census form is the shortest in recent history, some anti-government activists are refusing to answer any question besides the number of people in their household.…more»
Local
News »
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Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...
BELMONT, NH—"It's not anybody’s fault, honestly," said 28-year-old Megan Slota, standing in her kitchen and holding a mug of tea with both hands. "Sometimes I just get like this where it's like I'm not, I guess, whatever. We don’t have to get into it right now."…more»
National News Highlights »
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PLANO, TX—Two days into her flower-arrangement class, Bridgid Ryan, 26, decided she was the coolest person in class.
World
Our Dumb World »
Entertainment
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Report: Music Industry Made $18 In 2009
NEW YORK—The Recording Industry Association of America announced Tuesday that the combined revenue brought in by Warner, Sony, EMI,...…more»
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Horoscopes »
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
TV Listings »
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It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
FX
10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST
Mac realizes he's running late to a date and decides the best solution would be to murder everyone in his family, but everyone in Mac's family is trying to murder Mac because they don't like his haircut, so they just decide to stay a family instead.
Science & Technology
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Laser Pointer Aimed Toward Space In 1997 Finally Annoying Planet 13 Light-Years Away
ZORAXION CITY, IMPERIAL HOMEWORLD—A laser pointer directed at the night sky by a young human in 1997 has finally reached the home planet of...…more»
Statshot »
…Opinion
Commentary »
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I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates
by Rudy Lavelle
Done! A heaping, hearty 10-gallon pot of Rudy's Famous Five-Alarm Chili, simmered to perfection and all ready for the big party over at my friend...…more»
Letters To The Editor »
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Dear The Onion, I missed the first 30 years of Garfield. Would you mind summarizing? Thanks. Sarah Weatherly, Lincoln, NE
Economy
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo.…more»
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Dubai Debt Crisis Halts Building Of World's Largest Indoor Mountain Range
DUBAI—Representatives from the emirate of Dubai announced with disappointment this week that its recent debt crisis has forced developers to halt construction on the city's long-planned 22-mile-long indoor mountain range.…more»
Stockwatch »
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DUKE
Duke & Duke Commodities Brokers
$2.73 $83.9 (down 96.6%)
