•  
    • video
    • sports
    • War for the White House
    • news beat
    • more
    • social
    • A.V. Club
    • Store
    • Dating
    • Contests
  • Entertainment
  • Opinion
  • Science & Technology
  • Economy
  • Local
  • World
  • Archives
  • Follow us on facebook
  • Follow us on twitter
  • Add us on Google+
  • Follow us on Tumblr
  • Download our apps
  • Subscribe to our newsletters
  • All Sports
  • Baseball
  • Basketball
  • Football
  • Hockey
  • Motorsports
  • Women's Sports/Soccer
  • More
  • In The News
    • Slo-Mo Republicans
    • Ongoing Africa
    • Cheerios Bee
    • Game Of Thrones
    • Last Updated 11:36 AM
  • -

    Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil

    The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the week of May 14th, 2012. more »

  • Newswire
    • TV Listings: The Return Of Eddie 20 hours, 15 minutes ago

    • American Voices: Sweetener Makes You Dumber 20 hours, 26 minutes ago

    • HARRISBURG, PA—Josh Newton, 32, wouldn't say that Thursday was a complete waste, since he did watch nearly every video about Jeffrey Dahmer on YouTube. 20 hours, 16 minutes ago

    • SMU Adds "Do Not Resuscitate" To Larry Brown's Contract 20 hours, 17 minutes ago

    • Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms 20 hours, 18 minutes ago

    • Sportsgraphic: Famous Flops In Sports 20 hours, 28 minutes ago

    • Magazine: That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now 20 hours, 48 minutes ago

    • Alien Still Hasn't Gotten Around To Listening To Whole Voyager Golden Record 21 hours, 28 minutes ago

    • American Voices: New DVR Can Skip Ads 22 hours, 13 minutes ago

    • Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice 23 hours, 13 minutes ago

    • [audio] Local Man Shot With Girly Pistol 23 hours, 58 minutes ago

    • New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed 1 day, 15 hours ago

    • Man Wearing Red Glasses, Pink Pants Probably Dutch Or Something 1 day, 16 hours ago

    • Bears Claim They'd Want Brandon Marshall On Their Side In Bar Fight With Woman 1 day, 17 hours ago

    • WEDDINGS: Kristen Anderson and James Greene 1 day, 18 hours ago

    • Infographic: Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance 1 day, 18 hours ago

    • Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion 1 day, 19 hours ago

    • Cop Grudgingly Admits Suspect Is The Best Goddamn Pedophile He's Seen In 30 Years On The Force 1 day, 20 hours ago

    • American Voices: Nonwhite Babies Pass White Babies In United States 1 day, 20 hours ago

    • Statshot: Top Names For Skrillex's Haircut 1 day, 21 hours ago

    • American Voices: Bush Endorses Romney 1 day, 22 hours ago

    • Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country 03.31 | 01:00PM

    • Secretary Of Transportation Flips Out On Pothole In Baltimore 1 day, 23 hours ago

    • [audio] German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority 1 day, 23 hours ago

    • Spurs, Celtics Begin Stiff-Legged Lurch to the Finals 2 days, 14 hours ago

  • Sports News in Brief

    Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms

    05.18.12

    NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an investigation into whether ... more»

  • Sportsgraphic

    Famous Flops In Sports

    05.18.12

    Faking outrage or egregious injury in order to draw a penalty, once the purview of soccer players, is becoming more and more common across all sports these days. more»

  • Sunday Magazine

    That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now

    05.18.12

  • News in Brief

    Alien Still Hasn't Gotten Around To Listening To Whole Voyager Golden Record

    05.18.12

    47 U. MAJORIS STAR SYSTEM—Roughly 18 months after discovering the collection of common Earth sounds contained on the golden record placed aboard the Voyager probe NASA launched in 1977, extraterrestrial Richard Ellinger, 237, admitted Friday ... more»

  • American Voices

    New DVR Can Skip Ads

    05.18.12

    “Can it skip shows too? I’m a busy woman.” more»

  • Sports News

    Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice

    05.18.12

    MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic justice for his arrogant and presumptive team, sources close to the Heat confirmed Tuesday. An MRI per... more»

  • Radio News

    Local Man Shot With Girly Pistol

    05.18.12

  • Sports News in Brief

    Bears Claim They'd Want Brandon Marshall On Their Side In Bar Fight With Woman

    05.17.12

    CHICAGO—Defending their newly acquired wideout Brandon Marshall, multiple members of the Chicago Bears organization came forward this week claiming they would want him on their side in a barroom brawl with a woman. more»

  • Weddings

    Kristen Anderson and James Greene

    05.17.12

    Kristen Anderson and James Greene, both of Austin, TX, were married Friday at the city's newest wedding truck. more»

  • Infographic

    Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance

    05.17.12

    Last week, President Obama announced he is now in favor of gay marriage and said his stance had evolved over the past two years. Here are some of the evolutionary stages of Obama's opinion: Nov. 30, 2008:  more»

Video

Alabama Hosts First Desegregated Mass Suicide

Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil

Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

Opinion
  • Sweetener Makes You Dumber 05.18

  • New DVR Can Skip Ads 05.18

  • Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance 05.17

  • Nonwhite Babies Pass White Babies In United States 05.17

Local
  • HARRISBURG, PA—Josh Newton, 32, wouldn't say that Thursday was a complete waste, since he did watch nearly every video about Jeffrey Dahmer on YouTube. 05.18

  • That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now 05.18

  • Local Man Shot With Girly Pistol 05.18

  • Man Wearing Red Glasses, Pink Pants Probably Dutch Or Something 05.17

Entertainment
  • The Return Of Eddie 05.18

  • Alien Still Hasn't Gotten Around To Listening To Whole Voyager Golden Record 05.18

  • Swedish Rules Football 05.16

  • After Weeks Of Media Pressure, Shia LaBeouf Still Refusing To Have Public Meltdown 05.16

Science & Technology
  • Loophole In Curse Lets Archaeologist Off The Hook 05.08

  • FDA Approves Napalm Breast Implants 05.08

  • Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows 05.04

  • Court Orders Amazon.com To Adopt Bankrupt Bookstores' Cats 05.03

sports
  • SMU Adds "Do Not Resuscitate" To Larry Brown's Contract 05.18

  • Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms 05.18

  • Famous Flops In Sports 05.18

  • Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice 05.18

Politics
  • Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion 05.17

  • Same Homeless Man Always Begging For Change On United Flight 05.11

  • Gingrich Drops Out Of Presidential Race 05.10

  • Obama Blasts Obama's Evasive Stance On Gay Marriage 05.09

American Voices »

Sweetener Makes You Dumber

“What about the study Pepsi financed? What did that show?”

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »

  • TV: TV Club: Grimm, "Woman In Black"
  • TV: TV Club: The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson -- May 18, 2012
  • TV: TV Club: Nikita -- "Homecoming"
  • TV: TV Club: Magic City, "Who's The Horse And Who's The Rider?"
  • Ho Ho Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!
  • Kleen-Stride Debris-Removal Gift Box
  • Oprah Viewers Patiently Awaiting Instructions
  • Put Off Doing Something Extraordinary
  • Help
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy
  • Media Kit
  • Jobs
  • Franchising
  • RSS
  • The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. © Copyright 2012 Onion Inc. All rights reserved.