September 5, 2015
68°
68°

Break out your ascots!

Stocks
CSCO +2.10%

Cisco Systems (CSCO): $23.37 (+$0.48) (+2.10%) Shareholders in the tech company were delighted when CEO John Chambers attached webcams all over his body and chased them around while pretending to be a webcam monster.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

New on Onion Studios

In The News

Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Graphical Features

Recommended