Clinton Debunks Rumors About Health By Telling Audience Exact Day She Will Die

PENSACOLA, FL—Addressing recent allegations that she is physically unfit to serve in the Oval Office, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, 68, debunked rumors about her health Monday by telling the audience at a campaign rally the exact day she will die.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

In The News

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Chess Grandmaster Tired Of People Comparing Every Life Situation To Chess Match

SEATTLE—Frustrated with the endless comparisons of the game to human interactions in the real world, globally ranked chess grandmaster Adam Van De Lay admitted Thursday that he is growing “sick and tired” of the average person’s tendency to compare every life situation to a chess match.

Pope Francis Crushes Small Demon Crawling Across Papal Apartment Floor

VATICAN CITY—Saying the wicked little creature had probably crept out of some crack that led to Hell, Pope Francis reportedly crushed a small demon beneath his shoe Friday as it crawled across his papal apartment floor.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

37-Year-Old Makes Absolutely Heartbreaking Last-Ditch Effort To Get Really Into New Band

Restaurant’s Eating Challenge Rewards Any Patron Who Can Consume Reasonably Portioned Meal

Hurricane Concerned It Caught Something In Panama City, Florida

In The News

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

Chess Grandmaster Tired Of People Comparing Every Life Situation To Chess Match

Pope Francis Crushes Small Demon Crawling Across Papal Apartment Floor

Special Coverage

Graphical Features

News in Photos

Housefly Tracks Dog Shit All Over Cucumber Slice

Editorial Cartoon

Veiled Threat

Slideshow

The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 29, 2016

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Commentary

The Thing No One Tells You When You Become A Parent Is That NASA Is Conspiring To Overthrow The U.S. Government

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