July 6, 2015

Totally new type of sunlight today

LFT -31.9%

Lazer Fun Technologies (LFT): $167.26 (-$78.42) (-31.9%) Shares continued to plummet after reports that anyone who has even come close to a laser tag gun is now almost certainly sterile.

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Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

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