[Redacted] (RDC): $48.13 (+$1.22) (+2.60%) Shares of this plastics and chemicals firm that provides body bags and organic matter dissolvent to the U.S. government increased sharply after reports surfaced that the CDC and military were ordering a million units immediately Monday.
SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the planet would continue to experience progressively more destructive storms caused by climate change, a group of the nation’s leading climatologists said Wednesday that humanity’s best hope now is for hurricanes spinning in opposite directions to cancel each other out.
WASHINGTON—As part of the office’s annual assessment of the safety and sanitation of the nation’s water supply, the Environmental Protection Agency released Tuesday a list of all municipalities in the U.S. where the tap water is likely fine to drink but tastes sorta odd.
MADISON, WI—Wheels kicking up dust as her car peeled out of the driveway, local grandmother Delores Hanson jumped into her 2005 Buick Lesabre for an emergency birdseed run, sources confirmed Wednesday.
WASHINGTON—Saying she only had two years left to find a “real career,” White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was reportedly praying Friday that she wouldn’t be in the same shitty job by the time she hit 30.
WASHINGTON—Saying he needed a break from constantly watching over the commander-in-chief to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, visibly exhausted Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly sat President Trump down in front of a White House television Friday and put on a ‘Tucker Carlson’ episode in order to get a quick hour to himself.