Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic

AMARILLO, TX—Expressing frustration with the lack of convenient locations in his area, deranged gunman and anti-abortion fanatic Jared Broussard reported Monday that he could not believe how far he would have to drive to find the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic.

Elderly Woman Begins Freezing Meals Husband Can Eat While She’s Passed Away

SHARPSBURG, PA—In an effort to provide comfort and nourishing food to her spouse in her absence, local octogenarian Helen Griggs told reporters Wednesday that she has begun freezing home-cooked meals for her husband to enjoy while she’s passed...

Planned Parenthood: Myth Vs. Fact

Weird Guy From 2 Jobs Ago Still Liking Woman’s Photos On Facebook

NORFOLK, VA—Though she hasn’t spoken with him since they were both employees of American Mutual Insurance back in 2008, local woman Rebecca Pittman, 30, said Thursday that her former coworker Jeff Wallach, 35, still frequently “likes...

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Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation

How close has the nuclear-armed world come to a descending into outright global catastrophe? The Onion explains nuclear proliferation.

Onion Explains: International Drug Trade

How do dangerous narcotics cartels smuggle their goods into the U.S. and what is the human cost of their operations? The Onion explains the drug trade.
The Onion Reviews ‘Spectre’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Spectre’ in this week’s Film Standard.
Scientists Find Strong Link Between Male Virility, Wearing Mötley Crüe Denim Jacket

A new study from Harvard University found that men who wear Mötley Crüe denim jackets on a regular basis showed staggering levels of testosterone and sexual prowess.
Onion Explains: The International State Of Women’s Rights

What is the path forward for women given the barriers to equality they face worldwide? The Onion explains women’s rights.
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6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies

He might only be in kindergarten, but data entry prodigy Jeffrey Peters is well on his way to a career of endlessly depressing temp jobs.

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Dog Not Sure It Ready To Tackle Whatever Happened To Man At Work Today

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Obama Increases Sense Of Urgency By Riding Last White Rhino On Earth Through Climate Talk

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Editorial Cartoon: ‘Crass Kringle’

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Kobe Bryant Tears Up While Reflecting On All The Mistakes Teammates Made During His Career

LOS ANGELES—Having recently announced his impending retirement after 20 seasons in the NBA, Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant reportedly grew wistful and teary-eyed Friday while reflecting on all the mistakes his teammates made throughout his career.
Planned Parenthood: Myth Vs. Fact
Obama Returns From Paris Climate Talks With Couple Energy-Efficient Light Bulbs

WASHINGTON—Triumphantly displaying the fruits of his diplomatic talks with 150 fellow world leaders at the COP21 climate change summit in Paris, President Obama returned to the U.S. this week with a couple energy-efficient light bulbs.
Hackers Access Children’s Names, Photos In VTech Breach
Black Friday Sees Record Gun Sales

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Kobe Bryant Tears Up While Reflecting On All The Mistakes Teammates Made During His Career

LOS ANGELES—Having recently announced his impending retirement after 20 seasons in the NBA, Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant reportedly grew wistful and teary-eyed Friday while reflecting on all the mistakes his teammates made throughout his career.
Planned Parenthood: Myth Vs. Fact
Obama Returns From Paris Climate Talks With Couple Energy-Efficient Light Bulbs

WASHINGTON—Triumphantly displaying the fruits of his diplomatic talks with 150 fellow world leaders at the COP21 climate change summit in Paris, President Obama returned to the U.S. this week with a couple energy-efficient light bulbs.
Hackers Access Children’s Names, Photos In VTech Breach
Black Friday Sees Record Gun Sales

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Hackers Access Children’s Names, Photos In VTech Breach

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I Always Thought Losing Your Sunglasses Was Something That Happened To Other People

By Linda Ellis

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