Converse Shoes (CON): $6.58 (-$0.32) (+4.6%) Shares fell when the company’s quarterly report revealed the lack of punk bands forming in 2011 had caused sales of the shoe manufacturer’s popular Chuck Taylor brand to fall to its lowest level since 1997.
HOT SPRINGS, AR—Noting that what little time remained was quickly slipping away, sources confirmed Monday that the last remaining ivory-billed woodpecker was completely squandering the species’ final weeks of existence.
OGDENSBURG, NJ—Taking hold of his body almost immediately, warm, syrupy pleasure was coursing through the veins of area man Matt Riley after the 30-year-old took a huge hit of mattress, sources said Monday.
WASHINGTON—Fully mindful of the privilege he enjoyed, Trump administration staffer Greg Potreski told reporters Friday that he was grateful to be working with so many individuals he could turn over to the FBI in exchange for immunity.
PALM BEACH, FL—Saying that the noisy group was really getting on his nerves, Mar-a-Lago country club member Walter Forsyth reportedly complained to the management Thursday about the obnoxious U.S. cabinet meeting seated at the next table.