August 30, 2015
-11°
-11°

One, 400-gallon raindrop

Stocks
AZB +1.7%

AriZona Beverage Company (AZB): $22.76 (+$0.39) (+1.7%) Reacting to increased competition from iced tea rivals Snapple, Nestea, and Nantucket Nectars, AriZona chairman Don Vultaggio pushed sales by locking himself in his office and chugging an entire case of 24-ounce bottles of green tea.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

New on Onion Studios

In The News

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Graphical Features

Recommended