Work Life, Personal Life Both Spent Desperately Trying To Appeal To Women 18 To 34

CHICAGO—Explaining that he’s always trying out new tactics and carefully crafted phrases in an effort to connect with members of the demographic group, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Rob Benson spends the majority of both his work and personal life desperately attempting to appeal to women 18 to 34 years old.

Upcoming Changes To Nutrition Fact Labeling

The FDA recently approved a new Nutrition Facts label in an effort to better inform consumers about the contents of their food products. Here are some of the upcoming changes

Dozens Of Social Issues Thankful They Never Had To Go Toe-To-Toe With Muhammad Ali

WASHINGTON—Speaking out on the legacy of one of the 20th century’s most towering figures in both sports and the civil rights movement following his recent passing, dozens of social issues reported Monday that they were extremely thankful they never had to go toe-to-toe with Muhammad Ali.

Report: Some Crazy Shit Probably Happened To Classmate Being Raised By Grandmother

DENTON, MD—Gathering in the school’s hallways and around lunch tables to exchange stories about the 11-year-old, students at McLane Junior High reported Monday that some crazy shit must have happened to their classmate Jacob Morse, who is currently being raised by his grandmother.

In The News

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Entire Train Ride Spent Deciding If, When To Use Bathroom

NEW HAVEN, CT—The cola-filled commuter boarded the train unaware of the obstacles standing between him and bladder relief.

Lululemon Executives Furious After Focus Group Leaves Product Testing With Self-Esteem Intact

VANCOUVER—Conceding that they would have to go back to the drawing board and start over with a new approach, executives for the fashion brand Lululemon were reportedly furious Tuesday after a focus group left a testing session for a new line of women’s clothing with their self-esteem fully intact.

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13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

On Today Now!, the incredible Tyler Morgan shows off the binge drinking talent that got him into Ohio State. More from this episode.
Scientists Find Strong Link Between Male Virility, Wearing Mötley Crüe Denim Jacket

A new study from Harvard University found that men who wear Mötley Crüe denim jackets on a regular basis showed staggering levels of testosterone and sexual prowess.
The Onion Reviews ‘Captain America: Civil War’

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Onion Explains: The Terrifying Growth Of ISIS

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Brutal Anti-Cruz Attack Ad Just 30 Seconds Of Candidate’s Photo Displayed Without Any Text, Voiceover, Music

RALEIGH, NC—In what many political observers are calling a new low in an election season that has already seen its share of negative campaigning, a scathing anti–Ted Cruz attack ad airing this week reportedly shows nothing more than a still photograph of the Texas senator’s face for 30 seconds, unaccompanied by any text, voiceover, or music.

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Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.
Look At Them, The Fools—All Dancing To My Malevolent Tune

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 7, 2016

ARIES: It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
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Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.
Look At Them, The Fools—All Dancing To My Malevolent Tune

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 7, 2016

ARIES: It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
Upcoming Changes To Nutrition Fact Labeling

The FDA recently approved a new Nutrition Facts label in an effort to better inform consumers about the contents of their food products. Here are some of the upcoming changes

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