47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Tearful Gun Manufacturers Thankful They All Made It Out Of Massacre Safely

WASHINGTON—Expressing their immense relief at their good fortune, the nation’s gun manufacturers tearfully told reporters Tuesday they were thankful to have made it out of the Orlando massacre safely.

Frustrated Nation Out Of Ideas To Solve Gun Violence Problem Except For All The Obvious Ones

WASHINGTON—Unsure of what to do after the Senate rejected several gun control measures Monday in the wake of the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history, frustrated Americans reported Tuesday they were completely out of ideas to solve the nation’s gun violence problem except for all the obvious ones.

Father Showing Kids ‘Field Of Dreams’ For First Time Unaware Kevin Costner Sparking Son’s Sexual Awakening

WILKES-BARRE, PA—Oblivious to the intense feelings of arousal coursing through the pre-adolescent’s body, local man Pete Strahl reportedly introduced his children to the film Field Of Dreams Monday evening, not knowing that its male lead, played by Kevin Costner, was sparking his son’s sexual awakening.

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Dianne Feinstein Horrified After New Gun Control Bill Disintegrates Immediately Upon Crossing Into Senate Chamber

WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber.

John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station Airlock

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Having stowed away aboard a Soyuz resupply rocket and silently slipped into the International Space Station as part of a high-level fact-finding mission, Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly found himself forced to jettison two Russian henchmen from an airlock Monday after being set upon by the thugs in an ambush that resulted in a violent zero-gravity struggle to the death.

Biden Lines Up Sweet Summer Gig Installing Above-Ground Swimming Pools

WASHINGTON—Saying he would “make a killing while catching rays,” Vice President Joe Biden confirmed Friday he had lined up a “totally sweet” summer gig installing above-ground pools around the D.C. metro area.

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Frustrated Nation Out Of Ideas To Solve Gun Violence Problem Except For All The Obvious Ones

WASHINGTON—Unsure of what to do after the Senate rejected several gun control measures Monday in the wake of the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history, frustrated Americans reported Tuesday they were completely out of ideas to solve the nation’s gun violence problem except for all the obvious ones.
Tearful Gun Manufacturers Thankful They All Made It Out Of Massacre Safely

WASHINGTON—Expressing their immense relief at their good fortune, the nation’s gun manufacturers tearfully told reporters Tuesday they were thankful to have made it out of the Orlando massacre safely.
47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.
It Is With A Heavy Heart That I Announce I Am Having My Parents Pick Me Up Early From This Sleepover

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Free Meals Sway Doctors To Prescribe More Name Brands
Frustrated Nation Out Of Ideas To Solve Gun Violence Problem Except For All The Obvious Ones

WASHINGTON—Unsure of what to do after the Senate rejected several gun control measures Monday in the wake of the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history, frustrated Americans reported Tuesday they were completely out of ideas to solve the nation’s gun violence problem except for all the obvious ones.
Tearful Gun Manufacturers Thankful They All Made It Out Of Massacre Safely

WASHINGTON—Expressing their immense relief at their good fortune, the nation’s gun manufacturers tearfully told reporters Tuesday they were thankful to have made it out of the Orlando massacre safely.
47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.
It Is With A Heavy Heart That I Announce I Am Having My Parents Pick Me Up Early From This Sleepover

By Noah Miller