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Best Of February 2015

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Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back

NEWS IN BRIEF February 6th, 2015

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to help working individuals improve their fitness and well-being, experts at the Mayo Clinic issued a new set of health guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans stand up at their desk, leave their office, and never ...

Death Row Inmate Dies Of Natural Causes 3 Days Into Execution

NEWS IN BRIEF February 24th, 2015

MCALESTER, OK—Calling it an “unfortunate incident,” Oklahoma Department of Corrections officials confirmed that convicted murderer and death row inmate Harrison Garber, 57, died of natural causes three days into his lethal injection Tues...

New Education Initiative Replaces K-12 Curriculum With Single Standardized Test

NEWS February 19th, 2015

WASHINGTON—Citing the need to measure student achievement as its top priority, the U.S. Department of Education launched a new initiative Thursday to replace the nation’s entire K-12 curriculum with a single standardized test. According to gov...

In The News

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

A key issue currently driving a wedge between political parties in the U.S. is the question of so-called political correctness, or the avoidance of language and actions that could be construed as exclusive, oppressive, or marginalizing of minority groups. Here are the pros and cons of political correctness in our national discourse:

John Roberts Delivers Finishing Blow To Stephen Breyer To Defend Title Of Chief Justice

WASHINGTON—Finishing off the judicial pragmatist with his signature Flying Hammer Of Precedent, John Roberts reportedly dove from atop the Supreme Court bench Tuesday and delivered a final knockout blow to Stephen Breyer to retain the title of Chief Justice.

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Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation

How close has the nuclear-armed world come to a descending into outright global catastrophe? The Onion explains nuclear proliferation.

Onion Explains: International Drug Trade

How do dangerous narcotics cartels smuggle their goods into the U.S. and what is the human cost of their operations? The Onion explains the drug trade.
The Onion Reviews ‘Spectre’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Spectre’ in this week’s Film Standard.
Scientists Find Strong Link Between Male Virility, Wearing Mötley Crüe Denim Jacket

A new study from Harvard University found that men who wear Mötley Crüe denim jackets on a regular basis showed staggering levels of testosterone and sexual prowess.
Onion Explains: The International State Of Women’s Rights

What is the path forward for women given the barriers to equality they face worldwide? The Onion explains women’s rights.
Sponsored by Starbucks Doubleshot

6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies

He might only be in kindergarten, but data entry prodigy Jeffrey Peters is well on his way to a career of endlessly depressing temp jobs.

Graphical Features

Slideshow

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

News in Photos

Slightly Overweight Middle-Aged Woman Really Carrying Rest Of Church Choir

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Most Glorious Flames Of 2015

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Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.
Japanese Women Sue For Right To Keep Surname
Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’
Snack Scientists Develop Previously Unthinkable Capacity To Stuff Cheese Inside Itself

ITHACA, NY—Describing it as one of the most groundbreaking achievements in their field, snack scientists at Cornell University announced Tuesday they had developed the never-before-possible capacity to stuff cheese inside itself.
Slightly Overweight Middle-Aged Woman Really Carrying Rest Of Church Choir

Popular Features

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Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.
Japanese Women Sue For Right To Keep Surname
Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’
Snack Scientists Develop Previously Unthinkable Capacity To Stuff Cheese Inside Itself

ITHACA, NY—Describing it as one of the most groundbreaking achievements in their field, snack scientists at Cornell University announced Tuesday they had developed the never-before-possible capacity to stuff cheese inside itself.
Slightly Overweight Middle-Aged Woman Really Carrying Rest Of Church Choir

Newswire

U.N. Ambassadors Say 50,000 Deaths In Albania May Be Work Of Copy-Cat Dictator

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Japanese Women Sue For Right To Keep Surname

Hoverboards Facing Increased Restrictions

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So Help Me God, I’m Going To Eat One Of Those Multicolored Detergent Pods

By Dylan DelMonico

Our Annual Year

Best Of February 2015

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