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Transcontinental Railroad Completed As Chinaman's Gold Plated Femur Driven Into Ground

The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman. more »
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Sports News in Brief

Derek Jeter Admits He Only Plays The Game The Right Way For The Pussy

05.15.12

NEW YORK—New York Yankees shortstop and eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter admitted to reporters Monday that the only reason he plays baseball with effort, modesty, and reverence to those who played before him is because it gets him all... more»
Commentary

I Was One Of Those Kids Who Always Took Cats Apart To See How They Worked

05.15.12

By Terrance Hanley more»
American Voices

Positive Affirmation Makes One Feel Worse

05.15.12

"Well, then, what are the magic words you're supposed to say to cure depression?" more»
News in Brief

Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy

05.15.12

HERSHEY, PA—Hershey's, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Hershey's Kisses, Twizzlers, and the Symphony chocolate bar, announced Tuesday that it had run out of candy and would cease operations immediately. more»
Radio News

Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back To Natural Habitat

05.15.12
Onion Review

Same Homeless Man Always Begging For Change On United Flight

05.11.12

A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course. more»
Sports News in Brief

Tiger Woods' Reputation Takes Another Hit After He Is Caught Operating A Coal Mine With Flagrant Disregard For OSHA Regulations

05.14.12

FAIRMONT, WV—In an announcement that has caused the golfer to lose further endorsement deals and degraded his already meager public esteem, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration released a report Monday citing a West Virginia coal mine o... more»
American Voices

'Avengers' Has Record Second Weekend

05.14.12

“Aw, man, I should have made The Avengers.” more»
Editorial Cartoon

Holy Matri-Money

05.14.12
Behind The Pen

Behind The Pen: How Marriage Works

05.14.12

Onion editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly is one of the world's top opinion-makers. He gets up close and personal in this new video series. more»

Video

This Week In History: Sears Tower Constructed With Bold Challenge To God Engraved On Roof (1972)

Transcontinental Railroad Completed As Chinaman's Gold Plated Femur Driven Into Ground

Behind The Pen: How Marriage Works

Opinion

Stranded Fisherman Sues Cruise Line 05.15
I Was One Of Those Kids Who Always Took Cats Apart To See How They Worked 05.15
Positive Affirmation Makes One Feel Worse 05.15
Holy Matri-Money 05.14

Local

Entertainment

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012 05.15
Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back To Natural Habitat 05.15
Holmes On Homes 05.14
'Game Of Thrones' Running Out Of Unkempt Old Men To Cast 05.14

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