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Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools

The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don't have to make new friends. more »
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Most Humiliating Experience Of Man's Life On DVD March 6

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.12.12 | News in Photos
Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.12.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on to... more»
On This Year's Super Bowl Commercials

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.12.12 | Fan On The Street
Palm Tree Fires Off Warning Coconut

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.11.12 | News in Photos
Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.11.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much mone... more»
Championship Celebration Moments

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Sportsgraphic

The Giants shut down Manhattan for half the day Tuesday with their NFL championship parade, and while magnificent, it didn't register alongside these epic sports victory celebrations: more»
48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.11.12 | News

WILMETTE, IL—Describing himself as "open-minded" and "very willing to try new things," 48-year-old law firm partner Richard Bogan told reporters Saturday that, as unconventional as it may sound, he's actually quite receptive... more»
Josh Hamilton Apologizes For Not Calling Sports Media Immediately After Relapse

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Sports News in Brief

DALLAS—Texas Rangers All-Star outfielder and former alcoholic Josh Hamilton held a press conference Friday to issue an apology to the mainstream sports media for not immediately thinking of them after suffering a relapse last week. more»
Eli Manning: 'My Mom And Dad Are Taking Me To Disney World!'

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Photo Finish
Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.10.12 | News in Brief

CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincinnati area reported multiple sightings of a nonindigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and t... more»
Why Are We Deleting Our Facebook Accounts?

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Statshot
Congress Clears U.S. Airspace For More Drones

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | American Voices

With a vote of 75 to 20 in the Senate, Congress approved a bill that will allow more drones, military and private, in U.S. more»
Peyton Manning Congratulates Brother Eli: 'This Has Been The Worst Year Of My Life'

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Sports News

INDIANAPOLIS—Mere minutes after Super Bowl XLVI MVP Eli Manning hoisted the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday, he was congratulated in the locker room by his older brother, injury-ridden four-time NFL MVP Peyton, whose sadness at missing an entire season se... more»
Local Man Miscast In Role As Father

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.10.12 | Radio News
Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News

TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th ... more»
'Soul Train' Creator Don Cornelius Dead

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | Infographic

Last week, the final chapter of Soul Train came to a close when show creator and longtime host Don Cornelius was found dead in his California home. Here are some highlights from the legendary show he created: 1971: Ja... more»
Spanking Doesn't Work

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | American Voices

A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal analyzed two decades of research and found that children who were punished physically became more aggressive over time, while those who weren't became less aggressive. more»
Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News

NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di... more»
Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | Radio News
Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | News in Brief

BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in Psychological Bulletin, more than 83 percent of suicides take place when an individual is faced with the task of putting a fitted sheet onto a mattress. more»
Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | StarFix

Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage. more»
Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | American Voices

A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years. more»
New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S. more»
Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | Radio News
Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a report from the U.S. Department of Education released Thursday, watching a single episode of the British TV series Downton Abbey is the cultural and educational equivalent of reading an entire book. more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 7, 2012

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Horoscope

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see... more»
Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—The NHL announced Tuesday it would study the possible safety and injury risks of playing hockey on Astro-Ice, an artificial rink-surfacing material used by many teams instead of expensive and difficult-to-maintain ice, the solid state of wa... more»
Choosing Your Candidate

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Infographic

During primary season, it can be tough to decide whom you wish to nominate for president of the United States. Here are some simple ways to decide which candidate is right for you: Don’t vote for anyone who can’t make free throws, b... more»
Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | American Voices

Nine whooping cranes that had been following an ultralight aircraft as it guided them on their migratory route stopped when they reached Alabama, 500 miles short of the intended destination. more»
In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Newsroom

In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us. more»
Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Radio News
Landon Donovan Inks $2-Per-Goal Deal With Grandparents

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Sports News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—At a press conference Monday, Everton and Los Angeles Galaxy forward Landon Donovan announced his signing of a $2-Per-Goal contract with his grandparents Frank and Dianne Donovan—a full 100 percent raise from his previous ag... more»
Talking Trash

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Editorial Cartoon
Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | American Voices

A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit. more»
GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election. more»
Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Radio News
Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign

02.05.12 | Photo Finish
Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.05.12 | News in Brief

LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "... more»
On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.05.12 | Fan On The Street
Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.04.12 | News in Photos
Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012

02.04.12 | Sports News in Brief

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach. more»
Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.04.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr... more»
Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sports News in Brief

TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight. more»
Poll Reveals GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | Onion Review

The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress. more»
Tommy Lee Jones Tells Us Why He's Kept A Little Boy's Name For So Long

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sunday Magazine

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Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools

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