Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

PRINCETON, NJ—The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than ...

Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that “gay” doesn’t remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance.

Kids Tired Of Hearing Boring Stories About How Father A Skilled, Generous Lover

MANCHESTER, NH—Saying they had heard each one of his anecdotes “a thousand times,” local siblings Lindsay, Alex, and Danielle Curtis told reporters Monday they ...

American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day

CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to ...