September 1, 2015
74°
74°

Sucks at first, but totally worth it

Stocks
KO +1.97%

Coca-Cola (KO): $42.98 (+$0.83) (+1.97%) Investors responded positively to the company’s efforts to boost its line of healthy offerings by introducing new lines of soups and lean-meat stews in its iconic bottle.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.

New on Onion Studios

In The News

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Graphical Features

Recommended