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May 4, 2016
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86°

Ideal temperature for agoraphobes

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BFFCO 0.66%

BiffCo (BFFCO): $72.12 (+$0.47) (0.66%) CEO Biff Tannen invested winnings from his correct Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl bet to further BiffCo’s dominance in the toxic waste reclamation industry.

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Election 2016

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

In The News

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

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