adBlockCheck

Recent News

Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.

How To Start A Community Garden

A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Tips For Writing A Research Paper

Students at every level of the education system are required to write the occasional research paper, and some might wonder where to begin. The Onion provides some tips for writing a stellar paper:
End Of Section
  • More News

About The Onion

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1765, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history.

In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily.

The Onion is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits.


Frequently Asked Questions

How can I contact The Onion?

Click here for information on contacting The Onion. Please note that unsolicited bulk email, email attachments, and junk email of any kind are not accepted, and will be filtered and immediately discarded upon receipt.

Can I submit articles or ideas to The Onion?

No, The Onion does not accept outside submissions of any kind. We will not respond to any unsolicited submissions.

How can I work for The Onion?

Onion Inc. regularly posts new openings on the Careers section of our website. On the exceedingly rare occasions that there are openings for editorial positions, those opportunities will be posted on our Careers page as well.

Please do not send résumés unless specifically told to do so in a job listing. Any unsolicited résumés will be immediately discarded.

What if I have feedback on an Onion article?

Please send all concerns to publicfeedback@theonion.com. The Onion cannot guarantee a response to any feedback to its content.

What if I want to sue The Onion?

Please do not do that. The First Amendment protects satire as a form of free speech and expression. The Onion uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

What is The Onion’s privacy policy?

To read The Onion’s privacy policy, please click here.

What if I want to advertise with The Onion?

Please send all advertising inquiries to advertising@theonion.com. Please specify the business you would like to advertise, and the appropriate advertising sales representative will get back to you promptly. For more information regarding advertising opportunities with The Onion, please consult our Media Kit.

I’m a member of a lesser media organization and I want to cover The Onion. How do I do that?

Please send all inquiries to press@theonion.com.

How can I bring The Onion to my event?

The writers and editors of America’s Finest News Source and its sister sites are available for speaking engagements at universities, conferences, annual or semi-annual meet-ups for disgraced veterinarians, and festivals. Please send all inquiries to press@theonion.com.

How can I find archived issues of The Onion or license its content?

This website contains all of The Onion’s articles published from early 1996 through the present. You can browse by issue number, by topic, by section, or search the entire archive by keyword. Please send requests for articles and graphics from past issues, including those published before 1996, to archive@theonion.com. The Onion will attempt to answer your query but cannot guarantee a response to all such requests.

The Onion may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the express written consent of the publisher. To license material from The Onion, please send a request to permissions@theonion.com.

What is The A.V. Club?

Founded in 1993, The A.V. Club is a sister site of The Onion featuring insightful pop culture commentary, interviews, reviews, features, and other entertainment-related articles. Learn more about the site here.

What is ClickHole?

Founded in 2014, ClickHole is a sister site of The Onion featuring the most clickable, shareable content the internet has to offer, and is built on the guiding principle that everything published on the internet deserves the right to go viral. Learn more about the site here.


Where can I find The Onion?

The Onion is an online-only publication and is no longer available in print. Outside of TheOnion.com, you can connect to the most important journalism in human history through the following channels:

Social Media

Books

The Onion has released 13 books over its illustrious 250-year publishing history, including three books of original material. All are available for purchase here.

Our Dumb Century: The Onion Presents 100 Years Of Headlines From America’s Finest News Source (1999)
Our Dumb World: The Onion’s Atlas Of The Planet Earth (2007)
The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge: A Definitive Encyclopaedia Of Existing Information (2012)


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close