adBlockCheck

About The Onion

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

About The Onion

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1765, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history.

In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily.

The Onion is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits.


Frequently Asked Questions

How can I contact The Onion?

Click here for information on contacting The Onion. Please note that unsolicited bulk email, email attachments, and junk email of any kind are not accepted, and will be filtered and immediately discarded upon receipt.

Can I submit articles or ideas to The Onion?

No, The Onion does not accept outside submissions of any kind. We will not respond to any unsolicited submissions.

How can I work for The Onion?

Onion Inc. regularly posts new openings on the Careers section of our website. On the exceedingly rare occasions that there are openings for editorial positions, those opportunities will be posted on our Careers page as well.

Please do not send résumés unless specifically told to do so in a job listing. Any unsolicited résumés will be immediately discarded.

What if I have feedback on an Onion article?

Please send all concerns to publicfeedback@theonion.com. The Onion cannot guarantee a response to any feedback to its content.

What if I want to sue The Onion?

Please do not do that. The First Amendment protects satire as a form of free speech and expression. The Onion uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

What is The Onion’s privacy policy?

To read The Onion’s privacy policy, please click here.

What if I want to advertise with The Onion?

Please send all advertising inquiries to advertising@theonion.com. Please specify the business you would like to advertise, and the appropriate advertising sales representative will get back to you promptly. For more information regarding advertising opportunities with The Onion, please consult our Media Kit.

I’m a member of a lesser media organization and I want to cover The Onion. How do I do that?

Please send all inquiries to press@theonion.com.

How can I bring The Onion to my event?

The writers and editors of America’s Finest News Source and its sister sites are available for speaking engagements at universities, conferences, annual or semi-annual meet-ups for disgraced veterinarians, and festivals. Please send all inquiries to press@theonion.com.

How can I find archived issues of The Onion or license its content?

This website contains all of The Onion’s articles published from early 1996 through the present. You can browse by issue number, by topic, by section, or search the entire archive by keyword. Please send requests for articles and graphics from past issues, including those published before 1996, to archive@theonion.com. The Onion will attempt to answer your query but cannot guarantee a response to all such requests.

The Onion may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the express written consent of the publisher. To license material from The Onion, please send a request to permissions@theonion.com.

What is The A.V. Club?

Founded in 1993, The A.V. Club is a sister site of The Onion featuring insightful pop culture commentary, interviews, reviews, features, and other entertainment-related articles. Learn more about the site here.

What is ClickHole?

Founded in 2014, ClickHole is a sister site of The Onion featuring the most clickable, shareable content the internet has to offer, and is built on the guiding principle that everything published on the internet deserves the right to go viral. Learn more about the site here.


Where can I find The Onion?

The Onion is an online-only publication and is no longer available in print. Outside of TheOnion.com, you can connect to the most important journalism in human history through the following channels:

Social Media

Sign-Up For The Onion’s Newsletter

Books

The Onion has released 13 books over its illustrious 250-year publishing history, including three books of original material. All are available for purchase here.

Our Dumb Century: The Onion Presents 100 Years Of Headlines From America’s Finest News Source (1999)
Our Dumb World: The Onion’s Atlas Of The Planet Earth (2007)
The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge: A Definitive Encyclopaedia Of Existing Information (2012)


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close