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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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1 In 9 U.S. Schoolchildren Diagnosed With ADHD

Eleven percent of American children between the ages of 4 and 17 have received a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, with two-thirds of those diagnosed taking prescription stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin to treat their behavioral issues. What do you think?

  • “It’s because of the way we raise kids today, with all the Power Ranger toys and Sega Mega Drives.”

    Barry Cordella Baseball Glove Shaper
  • “Hey, whatever it takes to get them coloring inside those lines.”

    Robin Marfiak Campground Caretaker
  • “Huh?”

    Reynaldo Evangelatos Tugboat Mate
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