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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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1 World Trade Center To Become Tallest Building In West

With the installation of the final piece of its 408-foot spire, 1 World Trade Center in New York City will become the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere and the third tallest on earth, reaching a symbolic height of 1,776 feet. What do you think?

  • “We symbolically won!”

    Ross Schombing Flower Arranger
  • “I get the historical significance of a 1,776-foot building, but what about the 408-foot spire? All that comes to mind is the death of the Byzantine Emperor Arcadius.”

    Jane Ann Fox Systems Analyst
  • “As a Little Caesars owner/operator, I’m curious: Is any retail space available at street level?”

    Daisuke Matsunaga Pizza Shop Owner

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