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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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10-Year Anniversary Of Iraq Invasion

Over a dozen explosions were reported in Baghdad today with more than 50 confirmed dead on the tenth anniversary of the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. What do you think?

  • “Come on, another anniversary? Must we celebrate every little ground war we start?”

    Mark Chung Ferry Captain
  • “I’ve been trying to make a celebratory cake, but it keeps blowing up in the oven. Spent like $4 trillion on ingredients already.”

    Abby Winnick Unemployed
  • “Yeah, 2003 was a crazy time. Remember Evanescence? What were we thinking?”

    Thomas Lawner Laminator

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