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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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$100 Buys Airport Security Bypass

By paying a one-time fee of $100 and attending a brief interview with a customs officer, flyers can bypass the regular airport security lines and pass through without removing their belts or shoes, or the liquids in their bags. What do you think?

  • "All right, I think I can pay that and still have enough left to buy sharp things."

    Kevin Bowerman Systems Analyst
  • “Okay, so I throw the guy 100 bucks to get me past the line, but what kind of bottle service we talking about?”

    Lacey O’Brien Browning Processor
  • "I think I'll opt to save the money. Plus, no one gets to see my belt much. The buckle is a penguin."

    Dirk Jackson Hydraulic Operator

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