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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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100,000 Condoms Distributed To Olympic Athletes

In an effort to prevent athletes from contracting STDs during the Winter Olympics, the International Olympic Committee has distributed 100,000 condoms to the 7,650 competitors bunking in the Olympic Village, or about 13 condoms per person. What do you think?

  • “100,000 condoms for two weeks? That’s more than I go through in a whole year!”

    Wayne Halfpenny Web Page Designer
  • “That seems like a lot of pressure to put on athletes to have sex with each other.”

    Glenn London Theme Park Administrator
  • “Fine, but I just can’t imagine how two weeks will be enough time for them to ask people out, go on a few dates, agree to start committed relationships, get married, and then after much prayer and discussion, consummate their unions.”

    Cathy Rochin Floral Arranger

More from this section

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

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