105 Meningitis Cases Tied To Tainted Drugs

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Vol 48 Issue 41

Taylor Harris

Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism

Warning that Internet worms and malware could devastate the U.S. power grid, transportation network, and financial system, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta urged the nation to invest heavily in cyber security to avoid an “electronic Pearl Harbor....

Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

Mr. Autumn Man walks down the street with a cup of coffee, wearing sweater over a plaid collared shirt, the seed of World War III is planted in a Beijing Middle School gym class, and the nation did not see Mark Wahlberg's sex change coming.
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Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

105 Meningitis Cases Tied To Tainted Drugs

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has confirmed eight deaths from 105 total cases of meningitis in nine states, all stemming from contaminated vials of steroid painkillers distributed by the same Massachusetts company. What do you think?

  • “If only the drug companies weren’t so oppressively regulated, they might be able to afford anti-contamination technologies.”

    Martin Purvis
    Baccarat Dealer
  • “Nothing good ever came out of Massachusetts in a vial. Except that genuine Michael Dukakis sweat on eBay. Man, I wish I could afford that.”

    Bunny Cottrell
    Decontaminator
  • “Wow, I didn’t know steroids were a form of vaccines or that meningitis was a form of autism!”

    Jean-Pierre Soto
    Carnival Attendant
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