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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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105 Meningitis Cases Tied To Tainted Drugs

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has confirmed eight deaths from 105 total cases of meningitis in nine states, all stemming from contaminated vials of steroid painkillers distributed by the same Massachusetts company. What do you think?

  • “If only the drug companies weren’t so oppressively regulated, they might be able to afford anti-contamination technologies.”

    Martin Purvis Baccarat Dealer
  • “Nothing good ever came out of Massachusetts in a vial. Except that genuine Michael Dukakis sweat on eBay. Man, I wish I could afford that.”

    Bunny Cottrell Decontaminator
  • “Wow, I didn’t know steroids were a form of vaccines or that meningitis was a form of autism!”

    Jean-Pierre Soto Carnival Attendant

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