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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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105 Meningitis Cases Tied To Tainted Drugs

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has confirmed eight deaths from 105 total cases of meningitis in nine states, all stemming from contaminated vials of steroid painkillers distributed by the same Massachusetts company. What do you think?

  • “If only the drug companies weren’t so oppressively regulated, they might be able to afford anti-contamination technologies.”

    Martin Purvis Baccarat Dealer
  • “Nothing good ever came out of Massachusetts in a vial. Except that genuine Michael Dukakis sweat on eBay. Man, I wish I could afford that.”

    Bunny Cottrell Decontaminator
  • “Wow, I didn’t know steroids were a form of vaccines or that meningitis was a form of autism!”

    Jean-Pierre Soto Carnival Attendant

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