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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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105 Meningitis Cases Tied To Tainted Drugs

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has confirmed eight deaths from 105 total cases of meningitis in nine states, all stemming from contaminated vials of steroid painkillers distributed by the same Massachusetts company. What do you think?

  • “If only the drug companies weren’t so oppressively regulated, they might be able to afford anti-contamination technologies.”

    Martin Purvis Baccarat Dealer
  • “Nothing good ever came out of Massachusetts in a vial. Except that genuine Michael Dukakis sweat on eBay. Man, I wish I could afford that.”

    Bunny Cottrell Decontaminator
  • “Wow, I didn’t know steroids were a form of vaccines or that meningitis was a form of autism!”

    Jean-Pierre Soto Carnival Attendant
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