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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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‘12 Years A Slave’ Wins Best Picture At Oscars

Beating out eight other films including American Hustle and Gravity, the historical drama 12 Years A Slave took home Best Picture at the 86th Academy Awards last night, the first time in history the honor has been given to a film with a black director. What do you think?

  • “I thought the whole ‘slavery is wrong’ message was a little heavy-handed.”

    Karen Mullen Systems Analyst
  • “I’m sorry, but they just don’t make movies like they used to. Although, I don’t really know. I’m just assuming they have more modern equipment these days.”

    Peter Tillinger Mall Kiosk Manager
  • “History will judge 2 Guns far more favorably.”

    Alex Burge Bike Dealership Owner

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