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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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127 Charged In Mob Sweep

In the largest mob crackdown in U.S. history, the FBI has targeted 30 “made” members and nearly 100 associates of the Mafia in New York, New Jersey, and Rhode Island. What do you think?

  • "Great, now everyone is going to know that I’m not really in the mob."

    Terry James Unemployed
  • "It's high time they cleaned up that corrupt and lawless backwater city. Now if New York could only prevent the wealthy elite from purchasing the mayorship."

    Samantha Mahew Geodesist
  • "With the Rhode Island gang locked up and cider season over, the New Hampshire and Vermont crews are poised to raise some hell in New England."

    Will Degville Systems Analyst
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