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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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13-Year-Old Wins National Spelling Bee On Word ‘Knaidel’

After coming in third place the past two years, 13-year-old Arvind Mahankali won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night on the word “knaidel,” a German-derived Yiddish word that means matzo ball. What do you think?

  • “I bet that kid is really annoying to text with.”

    Hector Zacapa Fitting Room Supervisor
  • “Fuck. I put all my money on Vanya Shivashankar.”

    Stan MacKinnon Casing Packer
  • “I’m not impressed. Once you find out it’s a German-derived Yiddish word, it’s clear as day how to spell it.”

    Judy Dabe Systems Analyst
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