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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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16-Year-Old Attempts Sailing Record

Abby Sunderland, 16, is attempting to set a world record by becoming the youngest person to sail alone around the world. What do you think?
  • "Yeah, I just read about that in Horrible Parents magazine."

    Emily Sawyer Code Inspector
  • “Well, I guess I'll tell my 17-year-old daughter who's sailing around the world that she's failed, yet again."

    Aaron Brock Systems Analyst
  • "That's impressive, but remember, Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the globe more than 400 years ago in a small wooden ship filled with illiterate, foul-smelling Britons while wearing a stupid ruff around his neck."

    Dean Enright Unemployed

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