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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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16-Year-Old Attempts Sailing Record

Abby Sunderland, 16, is attempting to set a world record by becoming the youngest person to sail alone around the world. What do you think?
  • "Yeah, I just read about that in Horrible Parents magazine."

    Emily Sawyer Code Inspector
  • “Well, I guess I'll tell my 17-year-old daughter who's sailing around the world that she's failed, yet again."

    Aaron Brock Systems Analyst
  • "That's impressive, but remember, Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the globe more than 400 years ago in a small wooden ship filled with illiterate, foul-smelling Britons while wearing a stupid ruff around his neck."

    Dean Enright Unemployed

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