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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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$2 Billion Environment Pledge

Richard Branson, the eccentric head of the Virgin Group, has pledged two billion dollars to fight global warming. What do you think?
  • "The wealthy really ought to thank the insanely wealthy like Branson for making them look good."

    Brian Ducey Painter
  • "If used properly and in small enough denominations, this money should suffice to shade us from the sun’s harmful rays."

    Emily Shapiro Homeless Advocate
  • "Is it making anyone else nervous how all these billionaires are suddenly shoveling their money into philanthropic causes? Is there a Judgment Day coming up that I didn't hear about?"

    Quentin Lakeland Janitor

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