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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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2 Meteorites Hit Connecticut

Less than three weeks after a small meteorite struck a house in the Connecticut town of Wolcott, a second meteorite was found to have hit a home less than a mile away in the town of Waterbury, with scientists suggesting the two may have fallen in the same event. What do you think?

  • “Oh my God, what if there are other meteors out there?”

    Audrey Colter Hoist Operator
  • “One more and I’ll have to update my hilarious ‘You know you’re from Connecticut when...’ list.”

    Frankie Schneider Embalmer
  • “Lucky. Our home just gets showered in jet waste.”

    Rufus Delbonnel Dance Therapist

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