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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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2 Meteorites Hit Connecticut

Less than three weeks after a small meteorite struck a house in the Connecticut town of Wolcott, a second meteorite was found to have hit a home less than a mile away in the town of Waterbury, with scientists suggesting the two may have fallen in the same event. What do you think?

  • “Oh my God, what if there are other meteors out there?”

    Audrey Colter Hoist Operator
  • “One more and I’ll have to update my hilarious ‘You know you’re from Connecticut when...’ list.”

    Frankie Schneider Embalmer
  • “Lucky. Our home just gets showered in jet waste.”

    Rufus Delbonnel Dance Therapist

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