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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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$2 Million In Gold, Gems Stolen From Museum

Breaking into the California State Mining and Mineral Museum on Friday, thieves armed with pickaxes made off with $2 million worth of gold and jewels, but failed to crack a safe containing a famous 14-pound hunk of gold known as the Fricot Nugget. What do you think?

  • “Thank goodness. My kids really have their hearts set on seeing that Fricot Nugget.”

    Kareem Johnson Ship Boss
  • “It’ll be easy to find them. All police need to do is watch for any new mineral museums that pop up suspiciously fast.”

    Carla Kleinberg Unemployed
  • “Wish I’d got the alert earlier—I saw two guys with pickaxes and sacks of gold at Del Taco but didn’t think anything of it at the time.”

    David Sands Broom Maker

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