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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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$2 Million In Gold, Gems Stolen From Museum

Breaking into the California State Mining and Mineral Museum on Friday, thieves armed with pickaxes made off with $2 million worth of gold and jewels, but failed to crack a safe containing a famous 14-pound hunk of gold known as the Fricot Nugget. What do you think?

  • “Thank goodness. My kids really have their hearts set on seeing that Fricot Nugget.”

    Kareem Johnson Ship Boss
  • “It’ll be easy to find them. All police need to do is watch for any new mineral museums that pop up suspiciously fast.”

    Carla Kleinberg Unemployed
  • “Wish I’d got the alert earlier—I saw two guys with pickaxes and sacks of gold at Del Taco but didn’t think anything of it at the time.”

    David Sands Broom Maker
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