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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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20% Of High School Seniors Binge Drink

A new study found that one in five high school seniors binge drinks, which is defined as drinking five or more alcoholic beverages in a row, while one in 10 engaged in extreme binge drinking, in which they consumed more than 10 drinks in a row. What do you think?

  • “Not my kids. They suck.”

    Bobby Halsey Masseur
  • “Yeah, but do they throw the empty beer cans insolently to the side?”

    Angela Dougherty Geomagneticist
  • “Wooo! Seniors!”

    Ron Wannberg Rubber Stamp Maker

More from this section

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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