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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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20% Of High School Seniors Binge Drink

A new study found that one in five high school seniors binge drinks, which is defined as drinking five or more alcoholic beverages in a row, while one in 10 engaged in extreme binge drinking, in which they consumed more than 10 drinks in a row. What do you think?

  • “Not my kids. They suck.”

    Bobby Halsey Masseur
  • “Yeah, but do they throw the empty beer cans insolently to the side?”

    Angela Dougherty Geomagneticist
  • “Wooo! Seniors!”

    Ron Wannberg Rubber Stamp Maker
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