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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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20% Of Teens Have High Cholesterol

A study of American teens shows that one in five has unhealthy cholesterol levels. What do you think?
  • "Only one in five? Teens look greasier than that to me."

    Daniel Moramarco Lumber Puller
  • "These teens are always getting into some kind of trouble. Now it's cholesterol; next it'll be arthritis."

    Lucy Baines Systems Analyst
  • "I've said it before and I'll say it again: Teens need to stop visiting their grandmas."

    Dan Kurson Laryngologist

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