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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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20% Of Teens Have High Cholesterol

A study of American teens shows that one in five has unhealthy cholesterol levels. What do you think?
  • "Only one in five? Teens look greasier than that to me."

    Daniel Moramarco Lumber Puller
  • "These teens are always getting into some kind of trouble. Now it's cholesterol; next it'll be arthritis."

    Lucy Baines Systems Analyst
  • "I've said it before and I'll say it again: Teens need to stop visiting their grandmas."

    Dan Kurson Laryngologist
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