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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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2012 Campaign Most Expensive In History

Driven by a massive spending push from super PACs and other advocacy groups in the final days of the election season, the total cost of all federal campaigns this year is estimated to reach $6 billion, surpassing the previous record of $5.3 billion set in 2008. What do you think?

  • “Wow. After this much spending, the richest people in the country really do need a tax cut.”

    Mickey Lind Unemployed
  • “If they just gave me the $100,000 they’re spending on my vote, they’d get my vote.”

    Wayne Romo Calliope Player
  • “Well, no matter who wins, at least both those guys have got their names out there now.”

    Hazel Sissons Doughnut Icer
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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