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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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2012 Hottest Year Ever In U.S.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed that 2012 was the hottest year ever recorded in the nation’s lower 48 states, a full degree Fahrenheit warmer than the previous high, set in 1998, and 3.3 degrees above the 20th-century average. What do you think?

  • “This is just another desperate ‘Look at me!’ from those National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration attention whores.”

    Marcy Stoklos Systems Analyst
  • “So what? The earth has gone through major temperature changes before with only minor mass extinctions.”

    Jimmy Littleworth Blade Aligner
  • “It’s weird that it coincided with the hottest year on record for Hot 105.5, the Twin Cities’ home for the hottest in today’s hip-hop.”

    Russell Cole Mule Driver
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