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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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2012 In Entertainment

This year the TV show Homeland earned critical praise, Canadian pop singer Carly Rae Jepsen dominated the airwaves, and The Avengers became the third-highest-grossing movie of all time. What do you think was the top entertainment industry story of 2012?

  • “I’m not as up to date with that whole Chris Brown and Rihanna thing, but it sounds like they make a really cute couple.”

    Emmet Bartnof Diffuser Operator
  • “I’m surprised Michael Jackson’s still dead. You know how much dough he could make with a comeback tour?”

    Denis Barsi Formal Wear Rental Clerk
  • “Billy Crystal is back!”

    Hope Tayback Systems Analyst

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