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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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2012 In International News

This year witnessed ongoing bloodshed in Syria, massive blackouts that cut power to more than half a billion in India, and the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign. What do you think the biggest international story of the year was?

  • “Well, my coworker got married in Italy a few weeks ago and she won’t shut up about it, so that must have been pretty important.”

    Garret Gurry Systems Analyst
  • “Ugh, I have no idea. I’ve been putting off reading this one article from Feb. 17, 2003 that I started, and I don’t want to skip ahead until I’ve finished it.”

    Aidan Mackle Zoo Director
  • “I’d have to say all that pussy talk coming out of Russia. Pussy, pussy, pussy!"

    Annette Fox Grain Buyer

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