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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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2012 In Technology

The debut of the iPhone 5, the landing of NASA’s Curiosity rover on the surface of Mars, and the discovery of what is likely the Higgs boson were all major events this year. What do you think was the greatest advancement in technology in 2012?

  • “Yeah, the Higgs boson is getting a lot of attention, but there are a lot of lower-profile bosons that are worth checking out if you get the chance.”

    Tamara Farrar Unemployed
  • “Sure, the Mars landing was impressive, but there have been a lot more ads for the iPad Mini, so I’m going to have to go with that.”

    Paddy Quinn Envelope Folder
  • “They finally got a new Keno machine at Bucky’s.”

    Jose Oliva Dice Maker

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