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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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2013 In International News

This year, the British royal baby was born, Pope Francis became the new pontiff, and legendary anti-apartheid leader Nelson Mandela died at age 95. What do you think the biggest international story of the year was?

  • “Lingering memories of the 2012 London Olympics!”

    Reggie Montgomery Systems Analyst
  • “I mainly just keep up with international news that has to do with helicopter crashes, and I’ve got to say, it’s been a pretty slow year.”

    Lindsay McDonald Kindergarten Teacher
  • “Elmore Leonard. The fall of an angel.”

    Colin Allison Appliance Repairman

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