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2013 In International News

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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2013 In International News

This year, the British royal baby was born, Pope Francis became the new pontiff, and legendary anti-apartheid leader Nelson Mandela died at age 95. What do you think the biggest international story of the year was?

  • “Lingering memories of the 2012 London Olympics!”

    Reggie Montgomery
    Systems Analyst
  • “I mainly just keep up with international news that has to do with helicopter crashes, and I’ve got to say, it’s been a pretty slow year.”

    Lindsay McDonald
    Kindergarten Teacher
  • “Elmore Leonard. The fall of an angel.”

    Colin Allison
    Appliance Repairman

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