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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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2013 In Politics

This year saw a 16-day government shutdown, the Supreme Court striking down the Defense of Marriage Act, and the problem-prone rollout of Obamacare’s online health insurance exchange. What do you think was the biggest political story of 2013?

  • “My property taxes went up again, thanks to Mayor Jenkins and his band of cronies.”

    Matt Pickett Hedge Trimmer
  • “I think the fact that there are three branches of government—judicial, executive, and legislative—takes the cake yet again.”

    Zach Solomon Bail Bondsman
  • “I may have dreamt this, but the one where Obama came over to my house to use my printer.”

    Joan Poitras Systems Analyst

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