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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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2013 In The Economy

Housing prices rebounded in 2013 and U.S. stock indexes hit all-time highs, though unemployment still held above 7 percent and the recovery from the Great Recession remained tepid. How did the economy affect you this year?

  • “I found five dollars. Yeah, just lying on the street!”

    Herbert Beavers Unemployed
  • “I had about 200,000 jobs in October, so I guess it’s going okay.”

    Ken Davis Welder
  • “Don’t know if this counts, but I lost my dog, bought two more dogs, and then found the first dog.”

    Bonnie Barrigan Physical Therapist
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