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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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2015 Shark Attacks Set New Record

Sharks attacked 98 people worldwide in 2015, outstripping the previous record of 88 attacks in the year 2000. What do you think?

  • “But publicizing this record only encourages the sharks to set a new one.”

    Teddy Steinhafel Unemployed
  • “Maybe it’s time to start overfishing again?”

    Anita Berger Alibi Organizer
  • “Add two more to that total. I didn’t know we had to report them.”

    Frank Goetz Synthesizer Programmer

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