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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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202 Chemicals Linked To ADHD, Autism

Researchers have identified 202 industrial chemicals and compounds that may be linked to the rise in autism and ADHD. What do you think?
  • "And here all this time I thought it was all the blow I did during my third trimester."

    Geraldine Simmons Bricklayer
  • "The evidence is weak. We should pour many more chemicals on children to see if they develop autism and ADHD before making any conclusions"

    Hector Dayton Office Supply Salesperson
  • "If just one of those chemicals is responsible for making my Doritos nacho cheesier, I say we keep it in."

    Pete Alpert Systems Analyst

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