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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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23% Of Americans Didn’t Read Book Last Year

A Pew Research Center poll found that nearly 1 in 4 Americans had not read a single book or e-book in the past year, nearly tripling the figure from 1978, when only 8 percent of Americans hadn’t read a book during the preceding 12 months. What do you think?

  • “And here’s to a book-free 2014!”

    Gary Cypherd Marketing Director
  • “Yeah, but if you add up all the tweets I read, it’s probably pretty close to a book.”

    Shellie Hoyt Corporate Liaison
  • “Sounds like 23 percent of Americans don’t know about the free personal pan pizza you get through Pizza Hut’s BOOK IT! reading program.”

    Daniel Freedman K-12 Curriculum Designer
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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