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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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2,400 Millionaires Collected Jobless Benefits In 2009

An analysis by the Congressional Research Service found that 2,362 individuals who received government unemployment benefits in 2009 lived in households with annual incomes of at least a million dollars. What do you think?

  • “It’s sadly necessary sometimes when you want to buy items that are, like, a million and twenty dollars.”

    Christophe Engstrom Shrimp Pond Laborer
  • “Nice try, but I only have the ability to shake my shaming-fist in the direction of poor people.”

    Ramon Pedraza Braille Coder
  • “Millionaires are definitely the biggest dicks in the unemployment line.”

    JoMarie Rossi Unemployed

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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