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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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2,400 Millionaires Collected Jobless Benefits In 2009

An analysis by the Congressional Research Service found that 2,362 individuals who received government unemployment benefits in 2009 lived in households with annual incomes of at least a million dollars. What do you think?

  • “It’s sadly necessary sometimes when you want to buy items that are, like, a million and twenty dollars.”

    Christophe Engstrom Shrimp Pond Laborer
  • “Nice try, but I only have the ability to shake my shaming-fist in the direction of poor people.”

    Ramon Pedraza Braille Coder
  • “Millionaires are definitely the biggest dicks in the unemployment line.”

    JoMarie Rossi Unemployed
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