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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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2,400 Millionaires Collected Jobless Benefits In 2009

An analysis by the Congressional Research Service found that 2,362 individuals who received government unemployment benefits in 2009 lived in households with annual incomes of at least a million dollars. What do you think?

  • “It’s sadly necessary sometimes when you want to buy items that are, like, a million and twenty dollars.”

    Christophe Engstrom Shrimp Pond Laborer
  • “Nice try, but I only have the ability to shake my shaming-fist in the direction of poor people.”

    Ramon Pedraza Braille Coder
  • “Millionaires are definitely the biggest dicks in the unemployment line.”

    JoMarie Rossi Unemployed
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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