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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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2,400 Millionaires Collected Jobless Benefits In 2009

An analysis by the Congressional Research Service found that 2,362 individuals who received government unemployment benefits in 2009 lived in households with annual incomes of at least a million dollars. What do you think?

  • “It’s sadly necessary sometimes when you want to buy items that are, like, a million and twenty dollars.”

    Christophe Engstrom Shrimp Pond Laborer
  • “Nice try, but I only have the ability to shake my shaming-fist in the direction of poor people.”

    Ramon Pedraza Braille Coder
  • “Millionaires are definitely the biggest dicks in the unemployment line.”

    JoMarie Rossi Unemployed

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