2,800 Pig Carcasses Found In Chinese Drinking Water

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Vol 49 Issue 11

Splash

ABC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Louie Anderson, and other celebrities compete to see which one has the most mismanaged finances.

Saturday, March 23

There’s no Bloodmobile this week. Still have some left over from last time, matter of fact.

Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers

National Geographic 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT Moody teenage host Grant Brock takes you to a few aquatic locales only a gay idiot would be dumb enough to enjoy.

Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net

INDIAN WELLS, CA—In an interview following his 4-6, 6-4, 7-5 victory over Ernests Gulbis at the BNP Paribas Open, Spanish tennis player Rafael Nadal recounted hitting a shot during the second set Thursday that went super low over the net.

GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH), a leading conservative who was on Mitt Romney’s shortlist for vice president, announced the reversal of his longstanding position against same-sex marriage, saying he had a change of heart after his son came out to him two y...

NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt

The word 'innovate' is said over 24 million times at SXSW, NASA designers release a flirty new spaceskirt, and the next episode of 'Girls' to feature Lena Dunham shitting herself during gyno exam while eating a burrito.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

2,800 Pig Carcasses Found In Chinese Drinking Water

Over 2,800 pig carcasses of unknown origin were found clogging Shanghai’s Huangpu River, the main drinking water source for the city, sparking widespread fears of contamination. What do you think?

  • “Aw, why’d you go and say that? Now I’m hungry for pig carcass.”

    Candice Walden
    Systems Analyst
  • “You expect to see a few bloated pig carcasses this time of year, but anything over 1,500 is unacceptable.”

    Jason Twible
    Tile Installer
  • “If they just rinse the pigs off it should be all right.”

    Harvey Clarkson
    Suicide Hotline Operator
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