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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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3 Climbers, 100 Sherpas Brawl On Mt. Everest

While 23,000 feet up Mt. Everest, three European climbers claimed they were physically attacked by 100 Sherpa guides after they disobeyed the Sherpas’ commands and knocked ice onto one of the Sherpas below, though both sides later made peace. What do you think?

  • “Let’s see them try that shit at sea level!”

    Martin Sandalis Advertising Manager
  • “Snow madness! I’ve seen this before.”

    Felipe Trejo Mountaineer
  • “That’s the great thing about Sherpas: You can fight with 100 of them but still make up and go climb Everest later like nothing happened.”

    Carol Telford Locomotive Inspector
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