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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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370 Million Without Power In India

Northern India's power grid failed early this morning, causing a blackout in the capital of New Delhi, shutting down train service, and leaving more than a third of a billion people without electricity amid the summer heat. What do you think?

  • “Wow, so the other 830 million people are relaxing in nice, cool air-conditioning? Lucky jerks.”

    Steve Bailey Valve Grinder
  • “We need to band together and rush them a list of ways to beat the summer heat.”

    Ally Pendleton Egg Processor
  • “If I were there, you know what I would do? Complain a bunch.”

    Fisher McNamara Marine Surveyor

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