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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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3D Printer Can Make Human Body Parts

Wake Forest University’s 3D “bioprinter” is combining living cells with a gel substance to print out human body parts such as ears, muscles, and jawbones. What do you think?

  • “Printing out body parts is God’s job and no one else’s.”

    Logan Trumbull Cookie Shaper
  • “There’s nothing more satisfying than pressing your cheek against a warm, freshly printed skin graft.”

    Nicholas White Assembly Scheduler
  • “I really just need something that can print out some nice photos of my grandkids.”

    Martha Runion Crumb Sweeper

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