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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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5-Star Resort For Dogs Opens In Spain

A new five-star hotel for dogs called the Resort Canino Can Janè has opened near Barcelona with features that include a world-class swimming pool with slides and fountains specially designed for canines. What do you think?

  • “That sounds like it would be worth 14 hours in the cargo hold.”

    Rosamund Collings Craft Services Planner
  • “Great. Now that ‘five-star resort for dogs’ is a real thing, I need a new euphemism for ‘kill shelter.’”

    David Hawthorne Systems Analyst
  • “Do they have a rickety shed out back where I can sleep?”

    Jamie Donnelly Regional Bank Manager
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