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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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5-Star Resort For Dogs Opens In Spain

A new five-star hotel for dogs called the Resort Canino Can Janè has opened near Barcelona with features that include a world-class swimming pool with slides and fountains specially designed for canines. What do you think?

  • “That sounds like it would be worth 14 hours in the cargo hold.”

    Rosamund Collings Craft Services Planner
  • “Great. Now that ‘five-star resort for dogs’ is a real thing, I need a new euphemism for ‘kill shelter.’”

    David Hawthorne Systems Analyst
  • “Do they have a rickety shed out back where I can sleep?”

    Jamie Donnelly Regional Bank Manager
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