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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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50th Anniversary Of ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech

President Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Oprah Winfrey will be among those delivering speeches on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial today in honor of the 50-year anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic “I Have a Dream” speech. What do you think?

  • “If people start being judged by the content of their character, I’m screwed.”

    Bart Knaus Systems Analyst
  • “The speech was so incredible, it deserves to be digitally recreated in hundreds of commercials.”

    Simon St. Pierre Carburetor Mechanic
  • “It’s amazing how far we’ve come, time-wise.”

    Ellen Cheshire Touch-Up Painter

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