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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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50th Anniversary Of ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech

President Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Oprah Winfrey will be among those delivering speeches on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial today in honor of the 50-year anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic “I Have a Dream” speech. What do you think?

  • “If people start being judged by the content of their character, I’m screwed.”

    Bart Knaus Systems Analyst
  • “The speech was so incredible, it deserves to be digitally recreated in hundreds of commercials.”

    Simon St. Pierre Carburetor Mechanic
  • “It’s amazing how far we’ve come, time-wise.”

    Ellen Cheshire Touch-Up Painter
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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