55,000 Laid Off Monday

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Vol 45 Issue 05

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

Octuplets Doing Well

The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

55,000 Laid Off Monday

More than 55,000 Americans lost their jobs Monday, with companies such as Caterpillar, Sprint, and Home Depot each laying off several thousand workers. What do you think?
  • "Is that the last of the jobs? I'm getting really tired of having to hear about layoffs all the time."

    Sher Chamberlain
    Unemployed
  • "Wait, people work at Home Depot? I've always just gone there, picked out what I needed, then bought it at the self-serve register. Are you sure you have the company name right?"

    Brad Scharff
    Systems Analyst
  • "As a Sprint customer service rep, I react to the news with a mixture of passive-aggression and moderate contempt just short of outright rudeness, sir."

    Travis Brooks
    Customer Service Representative
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