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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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64-Year-Old Woman Swims From Cuba To Florida

After four unsuccessful attempts, 64-year-old Diana Nyad this weekend became only the second person to swim from Cuba to Florida and the first to do so without the aid of a shark cage, traversing the 110-mile distance in 53 hours. What do you think?

  • “It just goes to show that if you don’t give up, you can swim really far for no discernible reason.”

    Murphy Lang Unemployed
  • “I’m not that impressed because I do a lot without the aid of a shark cage.”

    Dylan Kepler Novelty Shirt Vendor
  • “I’d rather just grow out my fingernails indefinitely, thanks.”

    Laetitia Ramon Museum Curator

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