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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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64-Year-Old Woman Swims From Cuba To Florida

After four unsuccessful attempts, 64-year-old Diana Nyad this weekend became only the second person to swim from Cuba to Florida and the first to do so without the aid of a shark cage, traversing the 110-mile distance in 53 hours. What do you think?

  • “It just goes to show that if you don’t give up, you can swim really far for no discernible reason.”

    Murphy Lang Unemployed
  • “I’m not that impressed because I do a lot without the aid of a shark cage.”

    Dylan Kepler Novelty Shirt Vendor
  • “I’d rather just grow out my fingernails indefinitely, thanks.”

    Laetitia Ramon Museum Curator

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