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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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70% Of Americans Take Prescription Drugs

A report from the Mayo Clinic found that nearly 7 in 10 Americans take at least one prescription medication, and noted that antibiotics, antidepressants, and painkillers were the most frequently prescribed drugs in the U.S. What do you think?

  • “This kind of statistic would really worry me if it wasn’t for my Klonopin.”

    Ronald Suzuki Parachute Mender
  • “That does explain why 30 percent of my friends are either in pain, depressed, or have some body part rotting off.”

    Landon Bolger Mailroom Supervisor
  • “Doesn’t anybody just drink anymore?”

    Elizabeth Ignarro Pool Manager

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