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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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70% Of Americans Take Prescription Drugs

A report from the Mayo Clinic found that nearly 7 in 10 Americans take at least one prescription medication, and noted that antibiotics, antidepressants, and painkillers were the most frequently prescribed drugs in the U.S. What do you think?

  • “This kind of statistic would really worry me if it wasn’t for my Klonopin.”

    Ronald Suzuki Parachute Mender
  • “That does explain why 30 percent of my friends are either in pain, depressed, or have some body part rotting off.”

    Landon Bolger Mailroom Supervisor
  • “Doesn’t anybody just drink anymore?”

    Elizabeth Ignarro Pool Manager

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