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72 Bodies Found On Mexican Ranch

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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72 Bodies Found On Mexican Ranch

On an abandoned ranch just south of the U.S. border, members of the Mexican navy discovered 21 rifles, four trucks, bulletproof vests, and 72 corpses. What do you think?

  • "Is that a lot or a little? I haven't been keeping up with Mexico's crime stats."

    Veronica Bronski Systems Analyst
  • "How could anyone live in such a place? Why don't they all just move up here?"

    Jimmy Hellyer Tobacco Grader
  • "See, this is exactly why I stopped delivering pizza."

    Marc Somervile Unemployed

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