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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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75% Of Breast Milk Bought Online Contaminated

A study found that three quarters of human breast milk samples purchased from the online site Only the Breast, an exchange service for mothers, were contaminated with levels of bacteria that could sicken a child, including salmonella and traces of feces. What do you think?

  • “What about the regular kind you get at bodegas?”

    Morris Rivera Legislative Aide
  • “It’s very important to wash the breasts after preparing other foods on them, or using them to wipe the countertop.”

    Juliana Boyd Fraud Investigator
  • “They’d better get things straightened out by Cyber Monday.”

    Taylor Klieman Hay Farmer

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