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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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78,000 Apply For One-Way Trip To Mars

The Dutch nonprofit Mars One, which hopes to send a small group of humans on a one-way mission to establish a colony on the surface of Mars in 2022, has received applications from 78,000 people who are willing to leave Earth and never come back. What do you think?

  • “I’d be willing to hold down the fort here if everyone wanted to go.”

    Albert Calvo Mortising Machine Operator
  • “They’ll need a brash leader, a sexy female chemist, an eccentric mechanic, and a mysterious stowaway, but could they use an out-of-work insurance actuary?”

    Marc Lin Unemployed
  • “Is there something wrong here on Earth? Everything seems pretty good to me.”

    Anya Zylberfain, Bottle Label Inspector

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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