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78,000 Apply For One-Way Trip To Mars

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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78,000 Apply For One-Way Trip To Mars

The Dutch nonprofit Mars One, which hopes to send a small group of humans on a one-way mission to establish a colony on the surface of Mars in 2022, has received applications from 78,000 people who are willing to leave Earth and never come back. What do you think?

  • “I’d be willing to hold down the fort here if everyone wanted to go.”

    Albert Calvo Mortising Machine Operator
  • “They’ll need a brash leader, a sexy female chemist, an eccentric mechanic, and a mysterious stowaway, but could they use an out-of-work insurance actuary?”

    Marc Lin Unemployed
  • “Is there something wrong here on Earth? Everything seems pretty good to me.”

    Anya Zylberfain, Bottle Label Inspector

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