adBlockCheck

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News

$85 Billion In Budget Cuts Set To Begin Friday

Having avoided the fiscal cliff with a temporary deal in January, the federal government is now facing the so-called sequester, which would trigger $85 billion in automatic spending cuts to the military and domestic programs if lawmakers are unable to reach an agreement by Friday. What do you think?

  • “I just pray that our elected leaders can come together and make the difficult choices necessary to push this back by another couple of weeks.”

    Susan Soffer Oceanographer
  • “What’s everyone freaking out about? They’ve got literally dozens of hours left to figure this thing out.”

    Josh Rijn Tamale Maker
  • “Shit, that reminds me: I’m 23 months behind on rent.”

    Leo Pirok Zipper Setter

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close