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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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$85 Billion In Budget Cuts Set To Begin Friday

Having avoided the fiscal cliff with a temporary deal in January, the federal government is now facing the so-called sequester, which would trigger $85 billion in automatic spending cuts to the military and domestic programs if lawmakers are unable to reach an agreement by Friday. What do you think?

  • “I just pray that our elected leaders can come together and make the difficult choices necessary to push this back by another couple of weeks.”

    Susan Soffer Oceanographer
  • “What’s everyone freaking out about? They’ve got literally dozens of hours left to figure this thing out.”

    Josh Rijn Tamale Maker
  • “Shit, that reminds me: I’m 23 months behind on rent.”

    Leo Pirok Zipper Setter

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