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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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8.5% Of Young Video Gamers Addicted

The May edition of the journal Psychological Science contains a study that says 8.5 percent of young gamers play so much that it interferes with their schoolwork and may cause health problems. What do you think?
  • "You should see the lot behind that convenience store, full of dead-eyed kids playing the cheapest Tetris they can get their hands on."

    Robert Brooks Systems Analyst
  • "I find it helps to keep the kids' computer in the living room, where I entertain suitors of dubious intent."

    Miriam Robinson Laboratory Worker
  • “Perhaps schools should try a scared-straight program in which the children hear the horrifying tales of video-game addiction from a real-life sickly looking thirtysomething.”

    Henry Lee Belt Cutter

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