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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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8.5% Of Young Video Gamers Addicted

The May edition of the journal Psychological Science contains a study that says 8.5 percent of young gamers play so much that it interferes with their schoolwork and may cause health problems. What do you think?
  • "You should see the lot behind that convenience store, full of dead-eyed kids playing the cheapest Tetris they can get their hands on."

    Robert Brooks Systems Analyst
  • "I find it helps to keep the kids' computer in the living room, where I entertain suitors of dubious intent."

    Miriam Robinson Laboratory Worker
  • “Perhaps schools should try a scared-straight program in which the children hear the horrifying tales of video-game addiction from a real-life sickly looking thirtysomething.”

    Henry Lee Belt Cutter

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