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9/11 Commission Let Down

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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9/11 Commission Let Down

In their final report, the 9/11 Commission said they were disappointed by the government response to their recommendations. What do you think?
  • "We responded to 9/11 already, remember? Iraq?"

    Kathryn Reynolds
    Systems Analyst
  • "Don't these people have anything better to do than look at facts, see massive problems, and then make suggestions based on those facts?"

    Walter Murphy
    Baker
  • "Tell me about it. I've been sending the government a list of recommendations about once a week for the last eight years, and all I get is periodic visits from the FBI."

    Mark Lee
    Automobile Customizer

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