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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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9/11 Commission Let Down

In their final report, the 9/11 Commission said they were disappointed by the government response to their recommendations. What do you think?
  • "We responded to 9/11 already, remember? Iraq?"

    Kathryn Reynolds Systems Analyst
  • "Don't these people have anything better to do than look at facts, see massive problems, and then make suggestions based on those facts?"

    Walter Murphy Baker
  • "Tell me about it. I've been sending the government a list of recommendations about once a week for the last eight years, and all I get is periodic visits from the FBI."

    Mark Lee Automobile Customizer
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