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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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9/11 Families Upset Over New Remains

Families of the victims of 9/11 are angry as new remains—including wallets, clothing, and bones—were discovered at Ground Zero. What do you think?
  • "C'mon Ann Coulter, lash out against those bone-seeking, personal-effects junkies who dare to call themselves relatives."

    Lucielle Maslin Nurse
  • "So that's where my arm bone is. Man, I have been looking for that for, like, five years."

    Harold Kurner Golf Trainer
  • "People complain that the site was never treated like a proper crime scene— but as a souvenir and memorabilia salesman, let me tell you, it was days before they let us in there."

    Joseph Rabnett Salesman

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