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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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9/11 Families Upset Over New Remains

Families of the victims of 9/11 are angry as new remains—including wallets, clothing, and bones—were discovered at Ground Zero. What do you think?
  • "C'mon Ann Coulter, lash out against those bone-seeking, personal-effects junkies who dare to call themselves relatives."

    Lucielle Maslin Nurse
  • "So that's where my arm bone is. Man, I have been looking for that for, like, five years."

    Harold Kurner Golf Trainer
  • "People complain that the site was never treated like a proper crime scene— but as a souvenir and memorabilia salesman, let me tell you, it was days before they let us in there."

    Joseph Rabnett Salesman

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