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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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A Female Dolphin President?

Sen. E'eek Finback (D-AO) has already emerged as a frontrunner for the 2057 Democratic presidential nomination, but some say America isn't ready for a female dolphin in the White House. What do you think?
  • "I have nothing but respect for members of the Delphinidae family, but a female dolphin's place is in the sea, raising her calves."

    Jim Hansen Prime Meta-metallurgist
  • "Sen. Finback has nothing new to add to the national discourse. Frankly, she's just blowing hot air and saltwater mist."

    Sol Gundam Gay-Divorce Lawyer
  • "Well, former president Koko has already signed off on her, saying, 'Dolphin yes woman good give banana now dolphin yes.'"

    Edwin Gaines Syndicator
  • "Do you think E'eek would be doing so well if she were a squat-bodied Pacific white-side dolphin instead of a cute bottlenose? I seriously doubt it."

    Tammy Lester DNA Archivist
  • "I find her background inspiring. Do you know she was caught in a tuna net at the age of six months, only to graduate magna cum laude from Harvard Law School 12 years later?"

    Jim Hansen II Hypermarketer
  • "Tk-tkk-tk-tkik-tik! USA! USA! USA! Tk-tik-tkkk!"

    P. Wiggles Systems Analyst

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