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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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A Female Dolphin President?

Sen. E'eek Finback (D-AO) has already emerged as a frontrunner for the 2057 Democratic presidential nomination, but some say America isn't ready for a female dolphin in the White House. What do you think?
  • "I have nothing but respect for members of the Delphinidae family, but a female dolphin's place is in the sea, raising her calves."

    Jim Hansen Prime Meta-metallurgist
  • "Sen. Finback has nothing new to add to the national discourse. Frankly, she's just blowing hot air and saltwater mist."

    Sol Gundam Gay-Divorce Lawyer
  • "Well, former president Koko has already signed off on her, saying, 'Dolphin yes woman good give banana now dolphin yes.'"

    Edwin Gaines Syndicator
  • "Do you think E'eek would be doing so well if she were a squat-bodied Pacific white-side dolphin instead of a cute bottlenose? I seriously doubt it."

    Tammy Lester DNA Archivist
  • "I find her background inspiring. Do you know she was caught in a tuna net at the age of six months, only to graduate magna cum laude from Harvard Law School 12 years later?"

    Jim Hansen II Hypermarketer
  • "Tk-tkk-tk-tkik-tik! USA! USA! USA! Tk-tik-tkkk!"

    P. Wiggles Systems Analyst

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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