A Heroin Experience

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Vol 30 Issue 04

U.S. Consumers Demand Wider Selection

WASHINGTON, DC—Dissatisfied with their current range of choices, American consumers banded together Sunday to demand a wider selection of merchandise from the nation's retailers. "The current so-called 'selection' is deplorable," said group spokesperson and educated shopper Georgette Hughes. "Most things you buy, there's barely more than 20 varieties. When I go to an electronics chain, I want to see several hundred VCRs from which to choose. When I'm shopping for kitty litter, I want a thousand. This is bullshit." Hughes is calling for a mass boycott of all U.S. stores, with the exception of Home Depot and Wal-Mart.

Erik Estrada Big In Mexico

LOS ANGELES—According to word out of Hollywood, former CHIPs star and '70s sex symbol Erik Estrada is reportedly big in Mexico. "Yeah, Erik Estrada. Sure, I remember him—supposedly he's real big in Mexico now," said Ron Wolfstein, partner in the prominent talent agency of Wolfstein, Miller and Diamond. "I think I heard something about him being on whatever the big soap opera is down there. I forget what it's called—something like Siempre Amor, or Siempro de Todo? I'm not sure." Added Wolfstein: "Actually, forget it—I think I'm thinking of that guy from Dukes of Hazzard."

'Perfect' Birthday Card Discovered In Local Mall

SCHAUMBURG, IL—After a nearly hour-long search, which included visits to some five stationery stores, local resident Doris Kessler finally found the perfect birthday card for a friend yesterday at Woodfield Mall. "This is just perfect for Kate!" said Kessler, 47, holding the card she selected for friend and co-worker Kate Adler. The card read, "So you're 39... Again!" Said Kessler, "I love to kid Kate about her age—she'll never admit how old she is!" Kessler plans to present the card to Adler at work Thursday, along with a humorous "Over the Hill" mylar balloon. "She's just going to die when she sees that!" Kessler said.

Kremlin Reports Yeltsin In Good Health Following Burial

MOSCOW—In an effort to quell the many rumors circulating regarding the Russian president's physical condition, Kremlin officials reassured the public yesterday that Boris Yeltsin is in good health following his burial. "Mr. Yeltsin is in fine shape, strong as a Russian bear," Kremlin information director Vladimir Chernovsky said, standing near Yeltsin's grave. "In fact, just before dying, Mr. Yeltsin took a long swim in the icy waters of the Volga River, barely tiring at all." To prove his point, Chernovsky removed the six feet of dirt covering Yeltsin, pointing out his healthy skin tone, hearty frame and barely eaten eyeballs.

I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over 27 million square acres of state-owned land to the boron mining interests. Unfortunately, not a trace of boron was found, thousands of farmers and miners starved to death, and I was voted out of office after only one term. Damn those fickle voter bastards!

I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

Item! It's political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn't do politics, but this year has been so spectacular that I had to put in my two cents worth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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A Heroin Experience

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"?
  • "Heroin's a beautiful thing, man. It's like the first four seasons of Full House all at once."

    Gregg Hillard
    Systems Analyst
  • "There's nothing like the rush you get when that needle hits your vein, man. Absolutely nothing. I'm so glad I gave up drugs for knitting."

    Gene Braddock
    Physicist
  • "I've never tried heroin, but I used to be hooked on opium suppositories. Everyday, four or five of those. Okay, I guess there was no opium in them."

    Stephen Algenio
    Wedding Planner
  • "I'll tell you who my heroine is. That's right: Barbra Streisand."

    Ira Purdle
    Bookbinder
  • "All my friends think it's 'cool' to do heroin. Well, call me old-fashioned, but I'm sticking with smokable crack cocaine."

    Frances Halloran
    Civil Engineer
  • "Huh...whazz... fuckin... mnnnorrr... I don't... w...monkey."

    Julie Weiner
    Occupational Therapist
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