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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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A Heroin Experience

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"?
  • "Heroin's a beautiful thing, man. It's like the first four seasons of Full House all at once."

    Gregg Hillard Systems Analyst
  • "There's nothing like the rush you get when that needle hits your vein, man. Absolutely nothing. I'm so glad I gave up drugs for knitting."

    Gene Braddock Physicist
  • "I've never tried heroin, but I used to be hooked on opium suppositories. Everyday, four or five of those. Okay, I guess there was no opium in them."

    Stephen Algenio Wedding Planner
  • "I'll tell you who my heroine is. That's right: Barbra Streisand."

    Ira Purdle Bookbinder
  • "All my friends think it's 'cool' to do heroin. Well, call me old-fashioned, but I'm sticking with smokable crack cocaine."

    Frances Halloran Civil Engineer
  • "Huh...whazz... fuckin... mnnnorrr... I don't... w...monkey."

    Julie Weiner Occupational Therapist
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