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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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A Heroin Experience

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"?
  • "Heroin's a beautiful thing, man. It's like the first four seasons of Full House all at once."

    Gregg Hillard Systems Analyst
  • "There's nothing like the rush you get when that needle hits your vein, man. Absolutely nothing. I'm so glad I gave up drugs for knitting."

    Gene Braddock Physicist
  • "I've never tried heroin, but I used to be hooked on opium suppositories. Everyday, four or five of those. Okay, I guess there was no opium in them."

    Stephen Algenio Wedding Planner
  • "I'll tell you who my heroine is. That's right: Barbra Streisand."

    Ira Purdle Bookbinder
  • "All my friends think it's 'cool' to do heroin. Well, call me old-fashioned, but I'm sticking with smokable crack cocaine."

    Frances Halloran Civil Engineer
  • "Huh...whazz... fuckin... mnnnorrr... I don't... w...monkey."

    Julie Weiner Occupational Therapist

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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